Your Children Are Listening: Nine Messages They Need to Hear from You

eating habits (vegetarian vs. omnivore). There is not necessarily a right choice in these types of message disagreements. What is most important is to place the interests of your children ahead of your own and to consider each position as it relates to their long-term health and development.
    Sarah and I have found that when we set our ideologies and stubbornness aside, one of us can convince the other that one message will be better for Catie and Gracie. Though it always hurts to “lose” these arguments, it also feels good to do the right thing for our girls. Thoughtful and dispassionate discussion, an atmosphere of mutual respect, and the shared goal of finding solutions to the message conflict that best serve your children can ensure that the two of you minimize the conflict and maximize the good messages you are sending to your children.
    This open line of communication also enables you to adapt to situations in which, as the poet Robert Burns reminds us, “The best laid schemes o’ mice an’ men gang aft agley” (often go awry). Parenting theory often doesn’t jive with parenting reality mainly because, although you’ve read all of those parenting books, your children haven’t. Reality has a way of throwing cold water on both the specific messages we want our children to get and the way we send them. The frequent disconnect between what parenting books tell you will work and what actually works demands that you remain flexible in your messaging.
    You may want to develop some practical guidelines about the messages you want to communicate based on these discussions. For example, Sarah and I agreed that before telling Catie or Gracie that something is okay to do, we will first speak to each other to find out what is going on and to ensure that the girls aren’t trying to play us off each other. And we agreed that when a particular situation arises, for example, Gracie hits Catie, we will always send a specific message, that Gracie must not only apologize for hitting her sisterbut also say precisely what she is sorry for (“I’m sorry for hitting you, Catie”) and give Catie a gentle touch.
    You can also assign particular roles depending on your temperaments and styles. Some parents are better suited to be the bad cop (meaning a little more firm; that’s me in our family) and others to being the good cop (meaning a little more nurturing and patient; that would be Sarah). In other words, play to your strengths. If you’re just not good at sending the message that you both have agreed on, it’s better to send no message at all and send your children to your spouse for the message. In fact, different parenting styles can be a strength in families because couples can provide a wider range of message conduits and styles to get a message across to their children.
GOOD VERSUS BAD MESSAGES
     
    Of course, you love your children and want to send them the very healthiest messages so they internalize the most positive values, beliefs, and attitudes about themselves and the world. But, as many adult children know in looking back on their own parents and upbringing, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.” Parents send many wonderful messages to their children, but they also often send less-than-healthy messages that children may adopt and carry with them into adulthood. Let’s be realistic. Because we are, first and foremost, human beings with strengths and flaws, we can expect to send our children messages that are both healthy and unhealthy. We don’t mean to send bad messages, of course; we all want what’s best for our children. But whether out of lack of awareness, misguided intentions, self-interest, baggage, or just plain unhealthy values, we are vulnerable to sending messages to our children that can interfere with their healthy development. And the real concern is that our children will pick up those less-than-admirable messages and make them their own.
    I realize that I’m wading into sensitive territory here, because this discussion involves making judgments about the messages we send to our children. And I don’t want to suggest that I am the final arbiter of what is good or bad, healthy or unhealthy for your children. At the same time, I don’t think it’s that controversial to say that there are messages that we can all agree are beneficial to children. Messages about the values of integrity, compassion, hard work, and accountability would seem to fit nicely into this