1936 On the Continent

6. Rudol Cehovsky, Spiegelgasse 6, Hochparterre, is an expert in hair tinting. As you have probably upset your perfume bottles and spilled your powder in the sleeping-car or somewhere on the journey, go to M. E. Mayer on the Lobkowitzplatz and in the Graben, No. 17, or the Parfumerie Protus, Kärntnerstrasse 47, where all your requirements in cosmetics can be supplied.
The Viennese Café
    And now, sir, as your wife will probably be busy for some hours, you have time to think of those things which she would consider boring. You should first of all learn something of an institution which you must often have heard spoken of, the Vienna coffee-house. Not until you have acquired some understanding of these places can you claim to know anything about the life of the city. You must first get used to the idea that in Vienna the primary function of the coffee-house is not to supply its customers with coffee, that is only a secondary consideration. It is used mainly for reading the newspapers and conversation. A man may sit eight hours in Vienna over a single cup of black coffee or a cup of Gold, Mehr Licht, or a Kapuziner, not too hot, or a White with Cream, and talk or read the papers. Do not be surprised if, so soon as you have sat down and before he has asked you for your order, thewaiter brings you a mountain of papers. This is actually his chief task, and you will win his approval if at 1 o’clock in the morning, when the chairs are all tipped up and the cleaners have appeared with their brooms, you suddenly ask for the
Honolulu Messenger
. Give some 10 per cent. of the amount of the bill as a tip, about half to the waiter who takes your money and the rest you leave on the saucer with the water glass which stands on the table. If you do all this, on your second visit the waiter will greet you as an habitué—he at once knows you again—and give you a good seat. If you wear glasses he will address you as “Herr Doktor” or as “Herr Baron.” He does not, of course, really think you are a doctor or a baron—he knows quite well the sort of person he is dealing with.
Dance and Deportment
    Possibly, though, you are no reader of newspapers, but something of a philanderer who would like to take advantage of the absence of his wife to wander down forbidden pathways. Naturally, I do not want to lead you astray, but I will tell you where you can dance in the afternoon, even if you have no lady with you: in the Stadtpark Casino, on the Parkring, in the summer in the open air, and in the winter in a very large hall, to excellent jazz music. You may invite any lady you like the look of—usually you need not be afraid of a refusal, and are in absolutely respectable company. You may take your wife with you, and if you are prevented for business reasons from going yourself, you may happily let her go there alone. The parquet floor is very slippery and you must be careful not to slip. You can also go to the “Five o’clock tea” at the Kaffee Herrenhof in the Herrengasse, where you will meet journalists and artists, a rendezvous of literature and society. Here, and at the Splendid in the Jasomirgottgasse, at the Café de Paris, and at the very modern Königin, which possesses a revolving dance floor which may be lowered, the pursuit of pleasure is carried on with all the latest improvements. Note that there is no need for you to present yourself when inviting a lady to dance, as you are probably none too sure of yourself in the language of the country; it is sufficient to bow slightly. During the dance the lady is yours—pay her plenty ofcompliments, as the Viennese will endure more of these than you can possibly produce. And hold her tight in your arms! All Englishmen dance too loosely for the taste of our women, so I am told. So don’t err in this particular and don’t forget to kiss the lady’s hand at the end of the dance. Nowhere in the world is there so much kissing of hands as in Vienna. It is the custom to kiss the hand of every lady, whether she be old or young, on meeting and on parting from her, and on many other occasions. Do not let yourself be persuaded to drink wine on any and every occasion. When you feel like it, do so by all means, as the wines in every Viennese pleasure resort are good and not too dear. But if you are no Croesus, order rather a soft drink or a single glass of wine, the latter is very good at the bar during the evening. Black coffee also you may take without offending. You will receive a