600 Hours of Edward

twenty-five). That will be a good project for another time.
    “Burglary: The Dognappers,” the nineteenth episode of the fourth and final season of the color episodes, is one of my favorites. In this episode, Sergeant Joe Friday and Officer Bill Gannon work a case involving people who steal dogs from cars and then return them to the owners for reward money. You could make a credible case that every
Dragnet
episode has a moral component, but this one does especially. It’s not right to steal. Also, people love their pets, if they have them. I do not have pets.
    As always, in this episode, Sergeant Joe Friday is a very logical person, and while Officer Bill Gannon isn’t as logical, he can be funny. I like them both.
    – • –
    After
Dragnet
, I get things ready for the next morning. I double-check my wake-up time and weather data and then put my notebook on the end table beside the bedroom door so I can find it first thing after I wake up. I also put three pens beside the notebook, because I don’t want to be in a situation where I can’t write down the time I wake up and the temperatures from the previousday. One backup pen is just asking for trouble, so I make sure I have two.
    The last thing I do before going to sleep is I write my letter of complaint. It’s hard sometimes to wait until the very end of the day to do this, but it jumbles my day up too much when I write my letter of complaint at the moment that someone makes me mad. If I’m not careful about the timing, for example, I could miss the 10:00 p.m. start of
Dragnet
, and that would just foul up everything. Also, writing the letter at the end of the day allows me some “separation time” between the incident that made me angry and my response to it. Dr. Buckley says that I can avoid many bad situations by learning to use “separation time.” She is a very logical woman.
    As you might expect, I’m going to complain to my father. I already have five green office folders that hold letters of complaint to him. Soon, I may need six.
    Dear Father:
    I think you have erred in not considering radiant floor heating for the house that I am living in. I have read many articles about this type of flooring, and it is my understanding that by utilizing pipes in the concrete floor that carry hot water, you can significantly reduce your energy costs. As you know, in Montana, winter can be very cold. I think that radiant floor heating would bring substantial savings, although I will concede that there is an upfront cost of installation that must be considered.
    I also must concede that perhaps you have thought of radiant floor heating and simply have not communicated
those thoughts to me. I would ask that you show me the common courtesy of letting me know what you’re thinking in regard to this issue, for if you decide to install radiant floor heating, I will have to adjust my life to accommodate the intrusion of a contractor.
    Finally, I would urge you to not use the unseasonably warm weather we have been having as an excuse to disregard the heating apparatus of this house. I have ten years’ worth of weather data that show conclusively that we will, at some point, come in for some cold weather. That said, I do not like to rely on predictions. I shall wait for the facts to bear this out before contacting you further.
    I appreciate your consideration.
    With regards, I am your son,
    Edward

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 14
    The sound of a lawn mower jolts me awake. I turn to face the clock, and it reads 7:28. This is an oddity. Every previous day this year, I have awoken at 7:37, 7:38, 7:39, or 7:40. Now, on the 288th day of this year (because it is a leap year), I am awake at 7:28. Further, I am all but certain that I have never awoken at this particular time. I will have to check my data, as I don’t like to trust assumptions. I prefer facts.
    I retrieve my notebook from the end table and grab a pen. I record my waking time, and my data is complete.
    At the front door, I bend over and retrieve the
Billings Herald-Gleaner
from the front stoop. I can now see the source of my early awakening: The woman across the street, the one who moved in on September 12 (the 256th day of this year, but only because it is a leap year), is mowing her front yard. I have seen her a few times since she moved in, but this is the first time I have seen her mowing her front yard. A boy lives with her, and I assume that he is her son, although I don’t like to assume. He looks to be eight