A Darkness in My Soul

creature."
        "Nonsense." But the word was said without conviction and in such a guttural rumble that it only reinforced what Kas said.
        "You disprove your own words."
        "I'm an esper," I said.
        "So?"
        "I understand these things."
        "You do not grasp the difference of this subconscious universe," he said. "There is a certain thing about it which will trap you-you especially, given your past and your mental condition."
        I pawed the earth. "Help me grasp it," I said at last, doubtful. I did not want to have to believe what he was saying. I only wanted to be free to run and tear flesh and mount the sleek females in the dark shadows of the dens.
        "Child's mental landscape is peopled only with creatures from legends and mythology. He read extensively in those areas from the moment he could understand language, and he viewed hundreds of senso-tapes on the subject. It interested him, because he thought he might find a purpose even stronger than the one which was connected with the Christian mythos: the Second Coming which he believed was himself."
        "But this wolf does not take the form of a mythological creature," I argued with my wolf-mouth.
        "There is a Tibetan legend which tells of monks transformed to wolves. They were men who loved luxury and betrayed the true intentions of their religion. They indulged in women and in drink, in jewels and in food, and all that was pretty and satisfying to the senses. Their god came to them after they had defiled mere children in a brothel contaminated with all manners of evil. In the disguise of demons, their god offered them immortality for their souls. It was a test to see if they were completely depraved, or whether there was still some minim of decency within them. But all nine of the monks eagerly grasped the straw of endless life at the sacrifice of nirvana, of eternal life on another plane. And so he gave them immortality and crushed their souls. But he gave them immortality as wolves, as vicious reeking creatures hated and feared by all, creatures who could no longer know a woman's form but must run in dank dens, creatures unable to make or appreciate the taste of wine or of a succulently prepared roast."
        "And you want me now to be a centaur."
        "Yes. The oftener you change, the less chance you have to be absorbed by any one particular mythical prototype.
        And you, seeking some purpose beyond your human one, are ripe for such an end as threatens you now."
        "I can withstand the pressure."
        "You can't," Kas said. He shook golden curls but of his eyes. "You especially. All your life, just like Child, you have relied heavily upon a mythological ill-logic to justify your existence."
        "Christian mythos," I corrected, wondering why I was still trying to defend it.
        "These are of the same level of value as the Christian one. One will snare you as easily as the other. In all of them, you will find the same simplicity and attractive lack of complication as you found in Christianity's legends.
        And you will never leave this place."
        I thought, for the first time, of Melinda. I had been forcing her and everything else out of my mind, refusing to acknowledge her no-nonsense interviews in that other world, her quick wit, and her supple and willing body.
        Now they all rose and crowded into my consciousness at the same moment, almost overwhelming me.
        In time, as we stood there on the rolling earth under the flat sky, listening to the sea, Kas said, "Will you?"
        "What?"
        "Change?"
        "I guess… guess so."
        "Soon, then."
        I hesitated.
        "Soon."
        And I changed.
        Together, we started off across the hilly land, galloping under the steel blue of looming thunderhead clouds. My own golden hair streamed behind me. My tail rode straight out behind, fluttering in the fingers of the seatinged air.
        If anything, this was better than the form of a wolf, carried more of a sense of freedom and delight.
        Child was not to be found here, either. We searched everywhere, including the flat white beach where the surf curled. We trotted through the shushing foam of the sea, kicking up shells and sending crabs in frantic flight. We left our hoofprints in the sucking mud of the moors, in the rich black earth of the grasslands, in the sand by the ocean.
        Sure-footed, we