A Man Named Dave

my guard. “I’m gonna gain your trust,” Patsy said as she kissed me. “You’ll see.”
     
    Two mornings later I awoke to a ringing phone. I shot up, thinking it was an emergency squadron recall. That meant I had to report to the base as soon as possible. I was relieved to discover Patsy’s chipper voice on the other line. “David,” she shouted, “I’m at the hospital!”
    “Oh, my God!” I said. “Are you okay?” Not fully awake yet, I wasn’t even aware that Patsy had left that early in the morning.
    “Chill out, I’m fine. Listen,” she said with glee, “my mom and Alice are with me … I’ve got great news…” In the background I could hear Alice and Dottie Mae trying to speak over Patsy. “They’re so happy to be grandparents!”
    “What?” I cried, trying to shake my head clear, “Say again!”
    “David,” Patsy announced, “I’m going to have your baby!”

9 – Heaven Sent
    There was no romantic proposal. Patsy and I became “engaged” at a local Mexican restaurant. While there, because I felt overwhelmed with shame about the pregnancy, I spilled over with apologies to Alice at one table while Patsy chatted away with her mother, Dottie Mae, at another. After an hour of sulking in front of my foster mother, the four of us ate dinner, followed by Dottie Mae and Alice springing up and announcing our imminent marriage to strangers enjoying their dinners, who clapped feverishly while I squirmed in my seat. Since I soon was leaving to fly overseas for over a month, Patsy and I set the date for the second week in February.
    Days later, on New Year’s Eve, I was still consumed with a combination of guilt and rage – not against Patsy but myself. After years of self-discipline and going to great lengths to build a good life, I had thrown caution to the wind. I never had the guts to confront Patsy and sever our ties once and for all. And yet part of me began to feel maybe I had led her on. As unnerving and irresponsible as Patsy was, it was I who had held on.
    It didn’t really matter what I thought, how I felt, or how I analyzed the situation. The bottom line was Patsy and I – who had similar childhoods but at the same time as adults saw the world in different ways – were to become parents.
    Ever since Patsy had phoned me days ago from the hospital, I had been seized with fear. It wasn’t an issue of escaping parenthood; it was a matter of responsibility. For most of my life I had felt rejected and inferior, so now as an adult, how could I abandon my own child? More than that, knowing full well that children who were severely abused stood a strong chance of becoming abusers themselves made me all the more terrified. As much as I had told Patsy about my childhood, she only knew the tip of the iceberg. As I promised myself years ago, in order to protect the person I was with, I had for the most part maintained my vow of burying the past. To compound the situation, since living with Patsy, I had come to realize how petty and argumentative I could be. If that wasn’t enough, air crew members in general had an extremely high divorce rate. As these thoughts clashed in my mind, I became consumed with the single thought of doing what was right for my baby.
    Here I was lying in bed, next to my future wife, a person I would spend the rest of my life with, hours before the fresh start to a new year, and yet I did not trust her, let alone have the love for Patsy that she claimed to have for me. I truly didn’t mean to, but at times I displayed the affection of a statue. To the outside world, I had a great career, but on the inside, after years of pushing down my emotions in order to survive, I had become robotic. How in the world, I asked myself, could I raise my baby with love and encouragement when I barely had feelings for my fiancée and far less for myself?
    Patsy was far more optimistic. “I’ve always wanted to have a baby,” she cried. “My mom’s got all boys for grand kids, and maybe, maybe we’ll have a girl. This is going to be so great. I can dress and bathe the baby; I’ll never be alone. This baby will be the answer to my prayers. A baby will make my life whole. We are going to be so happy.”
    The more Patsy prattled on, the more I felt she lacked the seriousness and all that having a baby entailed. Only days ago, we had been arguing for the umpteenth time, and now because of her pregnancy, suddenly everything was going to be roses. I couldn’t help but think: How could a person who constantly scraped by in everyday