A Song for Julia

this is awkward. But I’m not going to make you sleep on the floor. Just … keep your hands to yourself, all right?”
    “Why do you feel like you need to repeat that?”
    “Why do you grope half the women you see?”
    “Because it’s fun,” I replied. Then I winked at her. Because I’ve got zero frickin’ self control, and I knew it would irritate her.
    She rolled her eyes, opened her dresser and pulled out some clothes. “I’m going to change into pajamas. I’ll be back.”
    Without another word, she walked out of the room.
    I hung my jacket on the back of the desk chair and pulled my own boots off. Dungarees on or off? I opted for off. I’ve got boxers. Screw it. I did keep the t-shirt on. Whatever. I threw the blanket back and climbed onto her bed, facing the window. This was as awkward and uncomfortable a night as I’d had in years. And normally, I was a winner with all things awkward and uncomfortable. Thing was … it mattered to me. It mattered to get this right. It mattered that I not put her off, that I not poke a hole in whatever limited trust we were developing. Somehow, I had to convince her to trust me. And if it took me lying here with blue balls all night long because I couldn’t touch her, then that’s what it took.
    But I didn’t have to like it.
    I heard her voice, outside the door. She was saying something to the other girls, I don’t know what. Didn’t matter. I’m sure her suitemates were all nice, but they also weren’t that interesting to me. God knows what they were asking her, or what they assumed. I wished their assumptions were right. I felt bummed out, and kept my eyes on the window, watching the snowfall. Wishing for … something.
    The door opened, and I could see her reflection in the window as she entered the room and closed the door. I kept looking out the window, on my side. She paused then switched out the light, and I heard her light footsteps approaching the bed. Then the mattress moved as she slipped under the blanket next to me. My whole body tensed. I could feel her there. Inches away. I desperately wanted to reach out and touch her, feel her skin. I shifted and lay flat on my back. The faint light coming in from the Quad reflected off the ceiling, a cloud of shadow snowflakes moving across the room toward the window.
    I looked toward Julia, trying to do it without her noticing. She was also flat on her back, hands clasped on her stomach, blanket pulled all the way up. Her eyes were open, tracking the shadow snowflakes.
    Whatever it was that snow reminded her of, I didn’t know. But her expression was … beyond unhappy. Her body was rigid, her face frozen, eyes wide and tearing up. But what was the right thing to do? I wanted to take her in my arms, tell her it was going to be okay, tell her that whatever had happened in the past, she didn’t have to let it define who she was now. That she was safe. I reached out, and very slowly wiped one of her tears with my thumb.
    She flinched.
    “I’m sorry,” I said. “You just looked so sad.”
    “I turned fourteen about two weeks before I met him,” she said. It seemed sudden, and I held my breath, willing her to continue. She did. “I still had … Barbie dolls and stuffed animals. I was young for that age, emotionally. I had … posters all over my room of singers and actors. My parents had this big party for me, and all the embassy kids came. I didn’t know any of them yet … we’d just arrived in Beijing. That’s where I met Lana. At the party. She ended up becoming my best friend.”
    I kept my mouth shut. Better not to say anything at all, than say the wrong thing. I wanted her to trust me. But I couldn’t push. This had to be her.
    “So on the first day of school, I was with Lana. And we were standing in line in the dining hall, and this guy approached. He was gorgeous. His name was Harry. Harry Easton. He was tall and played rugby, and he walked right up to me and stared at me, and he said, ‘Who’s your friend, Lana?’ And he didn’t take his eyes off me. It was overpowering. Who was this amazing guy, and why was he looking at me?”
    She stayed rigid, unmoving, but I saw her Adam’s apple move as she swallowed, and then spoke again. “So … I fell in love with him. I snuck out of our flat and I’d meet him in the middle of the night, wherever he said. He took me to these amazing dinners at restaurants in Beijing. He took me to the Silk Market, and the Forbidden City, to the Panda