Agatha Raisin and the Terrible Tourist

know James.’
    ‘Oh, Agatha, I wish you could meet a really warm-hearted man!’
    ‘James is a warm-hearted man. He just doesn’t know how to show his feelings!’
    ‘He may not have any to show.’
    ‘That’s not true!’ said Agatha furiously.
    The vicar’s wife was contrite. ‘I didn’t really mean to say that, Agatha. I mean, I should not have said that. I don’t know what came over me. We miss you here. Do you know when you are coming back?’
    Agatha glared furiously through the open window at the sea and took a deep breath of sweet-scented air. She hated Carsely and never wanted to go back there again. Why couldn’t everyone mind their own business? ‘I don’t know,’ she snapped.
    ‘If only I had kept my big mouth shut,’ said Mrs Bloxby to her husband later. ‘Poor Agatha.’
    The vicar peered at his wife over the tops of his spectacles. ‘I would not feel sorry for Agatha Raisin. In my opinion she and James Lacey thoroughly deserve each other.’

Chapter Four

    The evening was warm and sticky, and dark clouds obscured the moon. Agatha had put on full make-up, but as they arrived at the restaurant in Zeytinlik, she could feel foundation and mascara beginning to melt. She was wearing a black evening dress with a short skirt and high collar. As she turned her head in the car to speak to James, she felt her damp cheek brushing against her collar and knew immediately it was probably smeared with Vichy Camel foundation cream. She was wearing tights. Her legs had still not recovered from their burning by the pool and the humidity was making the hairs on her legs sprout dreadfully. She passed a tentative hand across her upper lip but she had waxed it before leaving and it still felt smooth. Oh, all the things that careless youth takes for granted, like a slim figure, smooth skin and a hair-free face! In that moment, she desperately wished to be back in her late thirties – that was not asking too much – when one could indulge in, say, a large piece of cheesecake without feeling two minutes after it had been consumed that one’s knicker elastic was cutting off one’s circulation.
    The proprietors, Emine and Altay, gave them a welcome and ushered them to a table next to a fountain in the centre of the garden restaurant, where Olivia and party were already seated. Between sunburn and booze, Trevor’s face looked as if it had been boiled. The food as usual was delicious, but Trevor complained loudly and drunkenly that he was tired of ‘this foreign muck’ and would give anything for a good steak and kidney pie.
    ‘This place used to be called Templos,’ said Olivia loudly to break the awkward silence which followed Trevor’s outburst. ‘The Knights Templars were stationed here and it was a sort of market garden for Saint Hilarion Castle. Some even say there is a tunnel here somewhere that leads right up to the castle.’
    ‘I think that’s an engineering feat that would surely be beyond the Crusaders,’ said Agatha.
    ‘They built the castle up on top of the mountain,’ said Olivia, ‘so a tunnel wouldn’t have been beyond them.’
    Agatha decided to change the subject. She did not like being contradicted. ‘I cannot understand why north Cyprus is not a recognized country,’ she said.
    ‘It’s all quite simple,’ said James. ‘They let the world forget about the massacres they endured. The Greek Cypriots have a very powerful propaganda machine and this side has little or nothing. If I were an emerging country, I would not waste money on guns or bullets, but I would hire a Madison Avenue public relations company. I’ve talked to some members of the government here. “Why don’t you keep reminding the world of what you have suffered?” I asked. They say they only counter-attack.’
    ‘They have the UN here,’ said Angus.
    ‘And what is the UN?’ demanded James. ‘I’ll tell you what their function is. To cost various countries a great deal of money so that their soldiers can stand around surveying ethnic cleansing. And what the hell am I talking about ethnic cleansing for? Genocide is the word. Hasn’t the suffering of the Jews taught this damn world anything? Look at Bosnia!’
    ‘What delicious lamb on the bone,’ said Olivia brightly. ‘Do try some, Trevor. Just like Mother used to make.’
    ‘My mother only made with the can opener,’ said Trevor.
    What an ill-assorted lot we are, thought Agatha. Even me and James. He talks with such passion about politics