Alien in the Family

BACK TO THE DOOR, took a look, and nodded. “Almost showtime. See you on the other side.” He winked at me, went in, and left us out there. Alone. Just me and my parents.
    Mom went to the door. “You know, am I the only one of the three of us who thinks this parading all over the place is more like being at a beauty pageant than a wedding?”
    Dad and I stood there in shock for a moment, then we both started laughing. “Yeah. What’s the bet on our side for how many times I trip?”
    “Nana Sadie called ten,” Mom replied. “Nona Maria called twenty. I was too busy to catch the rest. But the A-C side’s betting, too. And all your friends.”
    “Viva Las Vegas.”
    Dad moved up next to Mom and took a look. “Ready, kitten?”
    I took the requisite deep breath and waited for ninja or alien attack. Remarkably, there was none. “Yes.”
    Unlike an Earth wedding, neither Dad nor Mom was holding onto me. I’d thought they would be on either side, but they linked arms and went in front of me. Right, last one through had to be the bride. That had seemed almost logical when Chuckie had explained it. Now? Not so much. “I have to close the freaking door?” I muttered, as I closed the door. Managed not to catch my train. Wondered why I’d said yes to this all of a sudden.
    Delayed by door closing, so now had to somehow catch up to my parents, who, once inside, started sauntering along, waving to guests, as if they were freaking Hollywood types at a premier. Got a glimpse of the wedding party standing far, far away. Couldn’t spot Mister Joel Oliver or his camera crew anywhere. Good lord, this place was humongous.
    Couldn’t run, of course. May have looked great, but nothing says “you will walk slowly” like a tight mermaid gown. Felt the veil slip and wondered why I’d ever questioned Reader about not wearing one. Tweaked it back into place, not as surreptitiously as I’d hoped, if the grins were any indication. Maybe this was the A-C version of the gauntlet or gladiator fighting.
    Gave up on catching my parents. They were what seemed like miles ahead of me now. Seriously considered the benefits of turning and running. Remembered I couldn’t run in this dress. Tripped, recovered, tripped, recovered, started to crack up, maintained decorum, tripped, recovered, gave up. Paused, took off my shoes, held them in my right hand and my bouquet in my left. That way, the shoes were, at least, on the side facing away from my audience.
    I was a hit, if I was going for comedy. I realized as I looked around that A-Cs didn’t seat groom side and bride side, because I saw my friends and relatives scattered in there with A-Cs. Apparently the seating ritual was in part to get the families jumbled up, because no one was where I’d have expected them to be. Not that it mattered. Everyone near me was trying hard not to laugh. Most were failing. Utterly.
    Fine, whatever. Moved the veil to the wrap position. I’d fix that later. I hoped. Got up onto my toes and did the girly run I detested. The one where the girl is pretending not to run, so doesn’t move her arms, doesn’t move her thighs, but somehow bounces as though she’s on a trampoline? Yeah, that one. I felt like an idiot, but my parents had rounded the corner, and that meant I had miles to make up. For all I knew, the Martinis were already behind me. No, couldn’t be, they were going the other direction. And I was supposed to do that lover’s crossing thing in front of the world. Operative word being front. I was on the side. Not so good.
    Girly run sort of worked. The dress was great—didn’t rip, didn’t allow my breasts to fly out, didn’t unbutton. One thing in the win column.
    Rounded the corner to see my entire wedding party looking my way. The men, to a guy, were standing there open-mouthed. I chose not to make eye contact with Reader—I just hoped he wasn’t having a heart attack. The girls, on the other hand, were all, to a one, laughing. Lorraine and Claudia were leaning on each other, they were laughing so hard. Same with Felicia and Wahoa. The others were no more reserved. Serene had her hand over her mouth, Jareen was doubled over she was laughing so hard, and Queen Renata, by benefit of being royalty, was merely doing that whole body shake thing where the laughter’s inside but could come out any moment. My friends, there for me when I needed them.
    Richard White was up there, between Christopher and Jareen, Kimmie and Raymond in front of