Among Others
so happy I could sing. A karass, or the start of one! Oh I hope I can get there this Tuesday! I only haven’t ordered any Le Guin from the library because I’ve read it all already, or at least I think so. I’d have a lot to say about her. A karass! Epic! I could sing with delight.
S UNDAY 2 ND D ECEMBER 1979
Miss Carroll has signed the form for me to leave school for the book club! She says I’d have to have all my prep done ahead, but that’s no trouble. She said they’d see it would be no trouble from my marks, but my marks had better not drop because of the book club. I said they certainly wouldn’t. She asked if I’d liked the Tey, and I said I had enjoyed it a lot, which is true.
Carpenter says in the Inklings book that Lewis meant Aslan to be Jesus. I can sort of see it, but all the same it feels like a betrayal. It feels like allegory. No wonder Tolkien was cross. I’d have been cross too. I also feel tricked, because I didn’t notice all this time. Sometimes I’m so stupid—but Aslan was always so much himself. I don’t know what I think about Jesus, but I know what I think about Aslan.
I wrote to Grampar and Auntie Teg, telling them about the book club. And I wrote to Daniel begging him to sign the book club thing. I’m pretty sure he will. I also told him about the Aslan/Jesus conflation thing because it would be interesting to see what he thinks, and I asked him again about going home for Christmas. I told Grampar I’d try to.
I had a conversation with Gill, finally. It was pouring buckets, so people were doing dancing in the hall instead of games this afternoon, and she was hanging back instead of going to change afterwards, while I was coming out of the prep room where I’d been writing letters. She didn’t say anything directly, but I said “Gill, I don’t know if I’ve got the wrong idea here, but I wanted to say I like you as a friend, but I’m not interested in a physical relationship with you.”
“You said you didn’t like boys,” she said.
I had too, I remembered it. “That doesn’t mean I like girls,” I said. “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it, I think most people are interested in both, but I don’t seem to be. Sorry. I expect I’m just peculiar.”
This was all in the doorway to the prep room, and someone came up behind me and pushed past then, and Gill just waved and ran off to change. I hope it’s all right. It does make things so complicated!
M ONDAY 3 RD D ECEMBER 1979
Letter from Daniel with another ten pounds and saying they want me at the Old Hall for Christmas but I can go down to South Wales for a few days afterwards. Feh. Why do they want me there? What good am I to them? I’d much rather go and help Auntie Teg with Grampar, especially if he really can come out for the day. They’ve never shown any sign at the Old Hall of anything but wanting to be rid of me as soon as they can. Daniel, well, I don’t know what to think about him. I’m grateful he took me out of the Children’s Home, but school isn’t all that much better. He seems to want a connection, after not having one all that time. But I’m sure he and his sisters would have a better time if I wasn’t there. And what on earth can I give them? I can’t just give them a box of chocolates if I’m actually going to be there on Christmas Day. It’ll be excruciating. Oh well, at least I can go down to South Wales afterwards I suppose.
T UESDAY 4 TH D ECEMBER 1979
Of course no letter from Daniel with the signed form. It’s unfair to even expect it, because the post would hardly have had time to get the form there and back. But it’s my karass, and it’s happening without me tonight, and they’re going to be talking about The Dispossessed , so I can’t help feeling cross. I suppose it’s been happening every Tuesday all the time I’ve been here, but I didn’t know, and now I do. That is unless the magic made it happen, instead of just making him ask me. The more I think about magic, what it does and how it influences things, the less I think I ought to mess with it.
School is being particularly tedious. I’m used to the girls calling me names, but some of them have started singing a little song about “Jake the Peg” when I pass by, or just humming it if there are teachers near. They want to infuriate me, so I just ignore them, which is much easier to do outwardly than inwardly. They do the same to Deirdre with “Danny Boy” and sometimes reduce her
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