Bangkok Haunts

all, but she insisted. It was incredible.”
    “What was?”
    “Her will. The Asian will, it’s truly amazing.”
    “It’s not Asian. It’s third world. Two hundred years of misery and degradation can produce some strong spirits.”
    “She was the strongest I ever met. She wasn’t human. Maybe you are, but she wasn’t.”
    “I was human before you killed her.”
    Screaming:
“I didn’t kill her! She killed herself! Can’t you face that?”
    A pause.
    “So, you collapsed, the invisible men were thinking about cutting their losses and getting out, but she took you in hand. Tell me about that.”
    “She told them we would start again same time next day. She didn’t ask, she just told them. The whole thing was falling apart, and she was the only one with a plan, so they said okay, talk to him. Take him home and sleep with him. Do what you have to do.”
    A long pause.
    Monk:
“I see. You spent the night with her.”
    It is a statement made in a compassionate voice. For a moment the monk seems to sympathize with Kowlovski, causing him to raise his eyes and steady them.
    “Right. I spent the night with her.”
    “She did something to you to strengthen your resolve. What did she do?”
    “She explained the world to me, as she saw it. I never met a woman or man who could ever do that and reach me. Everything they ever told us, the Christian stuff, was just junk, you know, like everything else. What she said, I don’t know where she got it, but it wasn’t junk.”
Looking frankly into the monk’s eyes.
“It corresponded, you know?”
    “Corresponded?”
    “With everything that ever happened to me. The mother who wasn’t a mother, just some strange woman acting a part in a soap because she didn’t know what else to do with me. The father who wasn’t there even when he was. All the stuff people talk about. She said the invisible men control everything on the planet. The misery they make in the West is opposite and equal to what they do in the East: in the West the high standard of living but no heart at all; elsewhere you get the big heart steadily eaten away by the poverty. It was the most convincing theory of everything I ever heard.”
    “And?”
    “It’s a bust, according to her. A total bust. The biggest mistake of all is to value being alive.”
Looking away at a wall and apparently quotes:
“Once you stop wanting to live, you become free.”
Looking back at the monk.
“It was the best sex I ever had. The price she made me pay was to agree to kill her. I don’t have to tell you I was in love with her by morning.”
    “But you went ahead with it?”
    “I promised her, didn’t I? And after that night, even I could see there was no other way.”
    “She gave you a little something to help?”
    “Heroin. Never used it before. I thought it would neutralize the Viagra. It didn’t.”
    There’s a pause for so long you wonder if the interview is over. Then Phra Titanaka says in a soft voice, as sly as a snake:
    “You dream about her, don’t you?”
    “Every night, man.”
    “Except they are not dreams.”
    “Don’t say that.”
    “Even you know they’re not dreams. She’s glowing when she visits you, isn’t she?”
    “How d’you know that?”
    “And she fucks you. You wake up all wet.”
    Screams.
    The monitor turns blank. I stare at it for ten minutes before I can rouse myself to leave the darkened room and return to my desk.
     
    I’ve not yet told you how the Damrong video ends,
farang.
Well, I never did bring myself to watch it again, and I don’t suppose I ever will. I don’t need to—it is etched into my memory for a thousand lifetimes:
    He is having her from behind while she supports herself on a trestle, thrusting back eagerly with her loins. His timing apparently is equal to the challenge of simultaneous orgasms, and she really does seem to be enjoying it more than he is. In the terrible moment during which he unwinds the orange cord that is coiled around his left wrist, he loses it. The hand holding the rope shudders, and it is quite obvious that his nerve has failed. He does not so much drop it as allow it to fall in a gesture of defeat. She notices immediately and delicately disengages in order to pick it up. She turns to him and holds his masked mug with one firm little hand for a moment while she says a few words, then hands him back the cord. Still he hesitates, so she cleverly makes a feature out of his reluctance and elaborately, with the utmost