Big Breasts & Wipe Hips: A Novel

Yan is also justifiably proud of his shorter fiction, a sampling of which has been published in English under the title
Shifu, You’ll Do Anything for a Laugh
(New York: Arcade, 2001).
    9 We have collaborated on four novels, three from Taiwan and one, Alai’s
Red Poppies
, from China.

List of Principal Characters
    In Chinese, the family name comes first. In families, proper names are used far less often than relational terms (First Sister, Younger Brother, “Old Three,” etc.). In this novel, some of the characters change names, a few more than once, for a variety of reasons. Nicknames, including numbers, are common.
Mother
Shangguan Lu; childhood name Xuan’er. Motherless from childhood, raised to adulthood by aunt and uncle, Big Paw. Married to blacksmith Shangguan Shouxi. A convert to Christianity in her late years.
Eldest Sister
Laidi, daughter of Mother and Big Paw. Married to Sha Yueliang, mother of Sha Zaohua. After the founding of the People’s Republic, forced to marry crippled mute soldier Speechless Sun. Later has a son with Birdman Han, named Parrot Han.
Second Sister
Zhaodi, daughter of Mother and Big Paw. Married to commander of anti-Japanese forces Sima Ku; mother of twins, Sima Feng and Sima Huang.
Third Sister
Lingdi. Also known as Bird Fairy, daughter of Mother and a peddler of ducklings. First wife of Speechless Sun, mother of Big Mute and Little Mute.
Fourth Sister
Xiangdi, daughter of Mother and an itinerant herb doctor.
Fifth Sister
Pandi, daughter of Mother and a dog butcher. Married to Lu Liren, political commissar of the Demolition Battalion, mother of Lu Shengli. Holds several official positions, changing her name to Ma Ruilian after the founding of the People’s Republic.
Sixth Sister
Niandi, daughter of Mother and wise monk of the Tianqi Monastery. Married to American bomber pilot Babbitt.
Seventh Sister
Qiudi, offspring of a rape of Mother by four deserters. Sold to a Russian woman as an orphan, changes her name to Qiao Qisha.
Eighth Sister
Yunu, a twin born to Mother and Swedish missionary Malory. Born blind.
I (narrator)
Jintong, Mother’s only son, born together with Eighth Sister.
Shangguan Shouxi Shangguan Fulu Shangguan Lü Sima Ting
Blacksmith; Mother’s impotent husband. Blacksmith, Shangguan Shouxi’s father. Shangguan Fulu’s wife, “Mother’s” mother. Steward of Dalan Town’s Felicity Manor; later serves as mayor.
Sima Ku
Younger brother of Sima Ting, husband of Zhaodi (Second Sister). A patriot, linked to the Nationalists during the War of Resistance (1937-1945).
Sima Liang
Son of Sima Ku and Zhaodi (Second Sister).
Sha Yueliang
Husband of Laidi (Eldest Sister), commander of the Black Donkey Musket Band during the War of Resistance (1937-1945). Goes over to the Japanese as a turncoat.
Sha Zaohua
Daughter of Sha Yueliang and Laidi (Eldest Sister). Grows up together with Jintong and Sima Liang.
Birdman Han
Lingdi (Third Sister)’s lover.
Pastor Malory
Swedish missionary; has illicit affair with Shangguan Lu, and fathers twins Jintong and Yünü.
Parrot Han
Son of Birdman Han and Laidi.
Lu Liren
Also known as Jiang Liren and, later, Li Du. Serves in many official capacities for Communists.
Lu Shengli
Daughter of Lu Liren and Shangguan Pandi (Fifth Sister). Becomes mayor of Dalan.
Speechless Sun
Eldest son of Aunty Sun, neighbor of the Shangguan family. Born a mute. Engaged to Laidi (Eldest Sister), is crippled in battle, and returns to marry Laidi.
Ji Qiongzhi
Jintong’s inspiring teacher.

Chapter One
1
    From where he lay quietly on the brick-and-tamped-earth sleeping platform, his
kang
, Pastor Malory saw a bright red beam of light shining down on the Virgin Mary’s pink breast and on the pudgy face of the bare-bottomed Blessed Infant in her arms. Water from last summer’s rains had left yellow stains on the oil tableau, investing the Virgin Mary and Blessed Infant with a vacant look. A long-legged spider hung from a silvery thread in the bright window, swaying in a light breeze. “Morning spiders bring happiness, evening spiders promise wealth.” That’s what the pale yet beautiful woman had said one day when she saw one of the eight-legged creatures. But what happiness am I entitled to? All those heavenly breasts and buttocks in his dream flashed through his head. He heard the rumble of carts outside and the cries of red-crowned cranes from the distant marsh, plus the angry bleats of his milk goat. Sparrows banged noisily into the paper window