Bite Me

Monosexuality of an Outcast Cutie Corpse
    M uch like the guy in Herman Hesse’s novel Steppenwolf (which everyone knows means, “wolf going up the steps”) who runs into the ENTRANCE NOT FOR EVERYBODY sign outside of the Magic Theater, when it comes to romance, I am definitely not on the list. Loneliness is my “plus one.” Bitterness is my boo.
    Oh, it was sweet waking up at sundown, nearly in the arms of my Dark Lord, snuggled up in our utility shed on the roof. I probably shouldn’t have snatched that pigeon out from under the eave and sort of sucked its little throat, but in my defense, breakfast is the most important meal of the day, and I swore off anything with feathers because they are nasty. Still, I think Lord Flood would have forgiven me spitting bloody feathers on his linen trousers if my tail hadn’t harshed our search plan.
    There, now everyone knows. I have a tail. Which is kinda the reason we had to return to the love lair instead of continuing our search for the Countess. Foo called just before sunup to say that all the rats had died.
    So I’m like, “Non sequitur much, Foo? If you miss me, you can just apologize and grovel a little and we’ll move on.”
    And he’s like, “No, Abby, you don’t understand. There’s something in their DNA, they just sort of expire after a week or so of being a vampyre.”
    And I’m like, “My poor, sad Foo Dog, are you sure that your mantenna isn’t just using dead rats to send an S.O.S. for a return to tuna town? Hmmmm?”
    And he’s all, “No, Abby, you have rat DNA tied in with your vampirism, the same way Chet has human DNA.”
    And I’m all, “Nuh-uh.”
    And he’s all, “You have to come back here. Abby, I know you have a tail.”
    And I’m like, “Fucksocks,” and I offed my phone.
    So when Flood and I come to in the shed on the roof, I’m like, “We may need to check in with Foo.”
    And Flood is like, “Call him and tell him that there are old vampyres here to clean up. He needs to be ready. We’ll be there in a few minutes.”
    And I’m like, “I’ll text him. I’m not speaking to him right now.”
    So, like, Tommy showed me how you couldn’t run too fast, or someone would notice something was up, so you had to sort of go in bursts and I wasn’t supposed to jumpover cars and whatnot because that shit is a dead giveaway that you are nosferatu. Although I did “rawr” some tourists on the cable car, because they needed it. And if you ask them they will all be, “She was très scary, and back in Cowfuck, Nebraska, we know that ‘rawr’ is totally a thing because we have family values and whatnot.”
    So after running in bursts for like three blocks I rawred down a cab that was halted by my awesome dark powers and the hundred-dollar bill I was waving, and we rode to the love lair, where Jared let us in.
    And Jared was all, “OMG, OMG, OMFG, Abs, the rats are dead!”
    And I’m like, “Not news. Awesome vamp robot pirate ship, equals news.”
    And Jared is like, “For realz?”
    And I’m like, “Totes.”
    And he kind of does a gayboy squee that was a little embarrassing, so I’m all, “Where’s Foo?”
    And Foo comes out of the bedroom and I go to kiss him and he sort of stops and holds up his little blood vials, like, “Oh, no kisses, Abby, I have breakables.” So I backed off.
    And he’s like, “Abby we need to change you back. Right away.”
    And I’m like, “No way, Foo. I am finished with your petty human weakness.”
    And he like waves to all the rat boxes, and all the rats are just lying in the bottom of them. And I’m all, “So?”
    And Foo’s like, “They just dropped, within hours ofeach other. There’s some incompatibility with the vampyre virus.”
    “It’s a virus?” goes Tommy.
    And Foo’s all, “I don’t know exactly what it is, but it binds to the host DNA and it carries the DNA to the infected.”
    And I’m like, “So?”
    And that’s when Foo blurts out that I have a tail to Flood, and I just want to crawl in a hole and die, except for it being redundant.
    Then Jared’s like, “Would you guys like something to drink? Some blood or something?”
    And I’m like, “No thanks, I had a pigeon.”
    And Flood is like, “Yes, I’ll have some.”
    And he’s about to take a sip from a wineglass that Jared poured, and I see his fangs, which are très sexy now that he’s not ripping my throat out with them, and he’s like, “Oh, Abby, if this turns out to be drugged, tear