Blood Red Road

trust you, but I sure as hell don’t.
    My belly hollows out. A desperate fool. That’s what Maev thinks of me. Then the rest of what he said starts to sink in. I stand up slowly. Stare down at him.
    So that’s it, I says. That’s why you came after me. Why you showed up at Darktrees. You wanted the Free Hawks to help you clear out Freedom Fields. You don’t care if I find Lugh. You don’t care about me. All that … crap about how you couldn’t help it, you had to follow me … that’s jest what it was … crap. Gawd, I am such a idiot.
    No, he says, that was all true, I swear it was. It is!
    He throws his head back an curses unner his breath. Stands up. Whatever I say now, he says, you ain’t gonna believe me.
    Probly not, I says.
    I did want the Hawks to help me, he says. When me an Ike left Freedom Fields, I warn’t thinkin about nobody but myself. But I started to see what was goin on everywhere an I started thinkin about them poor bastards we’d left behind in the chaal fields. Then I ended up in Hopetown an saw what was goin on there, an I met you an the Hawks an suddenly there’s a chance I can do somethin decent in my life … so I took that chance. It all happened at once, Saba. You gotta believe me. It’s fate, like I said.
    Jack, I says, you cain’t possibly think that seven of us an a crow’s gonna bring down the Tonton an their operation.
    Why not? he says. Me an Ike know the layout. We can take ’em by surprise. They won’t expect trouble from outside.
    I’m here to git Lugh back, I says, not to change the world. I told you before. An by the way, yer outta yer mind.
    C’mon, Saba, he says, if we come up with a good enough plan, we can all have what we want. D’you wanna git yer brother back an then hafta live in a world run by the Tonton? I don’t. Ike don’t. Ash and Epona don’t neether. An if you asked ’em, I bet Tommo an Emmi’ud say the same. You might of burned Hopetown to the ground, but they’ll be buildin on its ashes already. You can bet on it.
    So what’re you sayin, Jack? That you ain’t gonna help me unless I fall in with yer plan?
    No, he says. No! What I’m sayin is, we think big. We git Lugh back an take out their operation at the same time. The Tonton, the chaal fields … everythin. But we cain’t do it without you.
    You promise me that we’ll git Lugh outta there, I says.
    I promise, he says. I promise.
    All right, I says. I’ll go along with yer plan. What is it?
    To be honest, he says, I never bin much fer what you’d call a plan. They’re more like … ideas.
    Jack!
    I said I promise! he says.
    We’re gonna need more help, I says.
    I whistle fer Nero. He comes in a flutter of wings an lands on my shoulder. I pull Maev’s little gold ring from my pocket.
    If you ever need me, if you need the Hawks, send Nero with this an we’ll come. Wherever, whenever  …  you send this ring an we’ll be there .
    It’s Maev’s, I says. She said to send it if I needed her. D’you got somethin to tie it on with?
    He fumbles in his pocket an pulls out a good sized piece of string.
    Tie it to his leg, I says. Make it good an tight, but don’t let it cut into him.
    He works quick.
    Done, he says, steppin back.
    I stroke Nero’s feathers. Look into his clever black eyes. Find Maev, I says. I touch the ring, then I touch him on his breast. Nero find Maev. Find Maev.
    He cocks his head to one side. Then he caws twice an takes off into the night.
    He ain’t never let me down yet, I says.
    I should of told you everythin sooner, Jack says. I should of …
    What? I says. Trusted me?
    Yeah, well …, he says. I ain’t ezzackly bin in the habit of trustin people.
    Me neether, I says.
    We could try startin agin, he says.
    He holds out his hand.
    I hesitate. Then I take it. Warm. Callused. Strong.
    I’m sorry I was such a ass back at Ike’s place, he says. It was jest that … ah hell, Saba … I was jealous that you smiled at Tommo an not me. You was hardly even talkin to me, let alone smilin, an it was like I couldn’t help myself.
    Jealous? I says. You? Jealous? Of Tommo? He’s a child.
    I’m jealous of anybody you smile at that ain’t me, he says. He takes a step closer. Reaches out. Runs the back of his hand down my cheek. A hot shiver ripples through me. You look at me with them eyes of yers, he says, an I look at yer lips … an all I can think about is what it ’ud be like to kiss you. You got no idea, do you? You got no idea how