Call the Midwife: A True Story of the East End in the 1950S

Young girls will laugh at anything!
     
    One of his regular jobs, and the best paid he assured us, as it was highly skilled, was that of a cooper’s barrel bottom knocker for Whitbreads the brewer. Trixie, the sceptic, snapped, “I’ll knock your bottom for you”, but Chummy swallowed it whole and said gravely, “Actually, it sounds frightfully interesting. Do tell us more.” Fred liked Chummy, and called her “Lofty”.
     
    “Well, these here beer barrels, like, they’ve gotta be sound, like, and the only way of testin’ ’em is by knockin’ the bottoms and listening. If it comes up wiv one note, it’s sound. If it comes up wiv anover, it’s faul’y. See? Easy, bu’ I can tell you, it takes years of experience.”
     
    We had seen Fred in the market selling onions, but did not know that he grew them. Having the ground floor of a small house gave him a small garden, which was given over to onions. He had tried potatoes - “no money in spuds” - but onions proved to be a money-maker. He also kept chickens and sold the eggs, and the birds as well. He wouldn’t sell to a butcher, “I’m not ’aving no one take ’alf the profits”, but sold directly to the market. He wouldn’t take a stall either, “I’m not paying no bleedin’ rent to the council”, and laid a blanket on the floor in any space available, selling his onions, eggs and chickens from there.
     
    Chickens led to quails, which he supplied to West End restaurants. Quails are delicate birds, requiring warmth, so he kept them in the house. Being small, they do not need much space, so he bred and reared them in boxes which he kept under the bed. He slaughtered and plucked them in the kitchen.
     
    Chummy, always eager, said, “You know, I think that’s frightfully clever, actually. But wouldn’t it be a bit whiffy, what?”
     
    Trixi cut her short. “Oh, shut up. We’re having our breakfast,” and reached for the cornflakes.
     
    Fred’s enthusiasm for drains was enough to put anyone off their breakfast. Cleaning out drains was obviously a passion, and his north-east eye gleamed as he poured out the effluvial details. Trixie said, “I’ll stuff you down a drain, if you don’t watch it,” and made for the door, toast in hand. But Fred, a poet with rod and suction, was not to be discouraged. “The best job I ever had was up in Hampstead, see? One of them posh houses. Lady’s real la-di-da, toffee-nosed. I lifts up the man’ole cover an’ there it is, like, fillin’ the whole chamber: a frenchy - a rubber, you know - caught at the inflow end, an’ blown up with muck an’ water. Huge, it was, huge.”
     
    His eyes rolled expressively at their different angles as he expanded his arms. Chummy shared his enthusiasm, but not his meaning.
     
    “You never seen nuffink like it, a yard long, an’ a foot wide, strike me dead. Ve lady, ever so posh like, looks at it an’ says ‘oh dear, whatever can it be?’ an’ I says ‘well if you don’t know, lady, you musta bin asleep’ an’ she says ‘don’t you be saucy, my good fellow’. Well, I gets the thing out, an’ charges her double, an’ she pays up like a lamb.”
     
    He grinned impishly, rubbed his hands together, and sucked his tooth.
     
    “Oh, jolly well done, Fred, good for you. It was frightfully clever getting double the fee, actually.”
     
    Fred’s best line, with the highest profit margin, had been fireworks. His unit of the Pioneer Corps had been attached to the Royal Engineers in North Africa for a time. Explosives had been in daily use. Anyone, however humble, working with the REs, is bound to learn something about explosives and Fred had picked up enough to give him confidence to embark on fireworks manufacture in the kitchen of his little house after the war.
     
    “S’easy. You just need a load of the right kind of fertiliser, an’ a touch of this an mix it wiv a bi’ of that an’ bingo, you’ve got yer bang.”
     
    Chummy said, wide-eyed with apprehension: “But isn’t it frightfully dangerous, actually, Fred?”
     
    “Nah, nah, not if you knows what you is a-doin’, like what I does. Sold like nobody’s business, they did, all over Poplar. Everyone was wantin’ ’em. I could’ve made a fortune if they’d left me alone, the bleeders, beggin’ yer pardon, miss.”
     
    “Who? What happened?”
     
    “Rozzers, police, got ’old of some of me fireworks an’ tested ’em, an’ sez they was dangerous, an’ I was endangering