Carpe Jugulum

It’s been a busy morning.”
    “Er…which way’s the pump?” said Oats. Agnes pointed. He hurried out, gratefully.
    “Wetter than a thunderstorm sandwich,” said Nanny, shaking her head.
    “Granny was seen up above the long lake,” said Agnes, sitting down at the table.
    Nanny looked up sharply. “On that bit of moor?” she said.
    “Yes.”
    “That’s bad. That’s gnarly country up there.”
    “Gnarly?”
    “All scrunched up.”
    “What? I’ve been up there. It’s just heather and gorse and there’s a few old caves at the end of the valley.”
    “Oh really? Looked up at the clouds, did you? Oh well, let’s have a go…”
    When Oats came back, scrubbed and shining, they were arguing. They looked rather embarrassed when they saw him.
    “I said it’d need three of us,” said Nanny, pushing the glass ball aside. “Especially if she’s up there. Gnarly ground plays merry hell with scrying. We just ain’t got the power.”
    “I don’t want to go back to the castle!”
    “Magrat’s good at this sort of thing.”
    “She’s got a little baby to look after, Nanny!”
    “Yeah, in a castle full of vampires. Think about that. No knowing when they’ll get hungry again. Better for ’em both to be out of it.”
    “But—”
    “You get her out now. I’d come myself, but you said I just sit there grinnin’.”
    Agnes suddenly pointed a finger at Oats. “You!”
    “Me?” he quavered.
    “You said you could see they were vampires, didn’t you?”
    “I did?”
    “You did.”
    “That’s right, I did. Er…and?”
    “You didn’t find your mind becoming all pink and happy?”
    “I don’t think my mind has ever been pink and happy,” said Oats.
    “So why didn’t they get through to you?”
    Oats smiled uneasily and fished in his jacket.
    “I am protected by the hand of Om,” he said.
    Nanny inspected the pendant. It show a figure trussed across the back of a turtle.
    “You say?” she said. “That’s a good wheeze, then.”
    “Just as Om reach out his hand to save the prophet Brutha from the torture. so will he spread his wings over me in my time of trial,” said Oats, but he sounded as though he was trying to reassure himself rather than Nanny. He went on: “I’ve got a pamphlet if you would like to know more,” and this time the tone was much more positive, as if the existence of Om was a little uncertain whereas the existence of pamphlets was obvious to any open-minded, rational-thinking person.
    “Don’t,” said Nanny. She let the medallion go. “Well, Brother Perdore never needed any magic jewelry for fighting off people, that’s all I can say.”
    “No, he just used to breathe alcohol all over them,” said Agnes. “Well, you’re coming with me, Mr. Oats. I’m not facing Prince Slime again alone! And you can shut up!”
    “Er, I didn’t say anything—”
    “I didn’t mean you, I meant—Look, you said you’ve studied vampires, didn’t you? What’s good for vampires?”
    Oats thought for a moment. “Er…a nice dry coffin, er, plenty of fresh blood, er, overcast skies…” His voice trailed off when he saw her expression. “Ah…well, it depends exactly where they’re from, I remember. Uberwald is a very big place. Er…cutting off the head and staking them in the heart is generally efficacious.”
    “But that works on everyone,” said Nanny.
    “Er…in Splintz they die if you put a coin in their mouth and cut their head off…”
    “Not like ordinary people, then,” said Nanny, taking out a notebook.
    “Er…in Klotz they die if you stick a lemon in their mouth—”
    “Sounds more like it.”
    “—after you cut their head off. I believe that in Glitz you have to fill their mouth with salt, hammer a carrot into both ears, and then cut off their head.”
    “I can see that must’ve been fun finding that out.”
    “And in the valley of the Ah they believe it’s best to cut off the head and boil it in vinegar.”
    “You’re going to need someone to carry all this stuff, Agnes,” said Nanny Ogg.
    “But in Kashncari they say you should cut off their toes and drive a nail through their neck.”
    “And cut their head off?”
    “Apparently you don’t have to.”
    “Toes is easy ,” said Nanny. “Old Windrow over in Bad Ass cut off two of his with a spade and he weren’t even trying.”
    “And then, of course, you can defeat them by stealing their left sock,” said Oats.
    “Sorry?” said Agnes. “I think I misheard you