Carpe Jugulum

Well? It’s not much different from the lives they would have had in any case. Better, in fact. They are well fed, sheltered—”
    “—milked.”
    “And is that bad?”
    Agnes tried to twist out of his grip. Just here, there was no castle wall. There hadn’t been any need. Lancre Gorge was all the wall anyone could need, and Vlad was walking her right to the sheer drop.
    “What a stupid thing to say!” she said.
    “Is it? I understand you’ve traveled, Agnes,” said Vlad, as she struggled. “So you’ll know that so many people lead little lives, always under the whip of some king or ruler or master who won’t hesitate to sacrifice them in battle or turn them out when they can’t work anymore.”
    But they can run away, Perdita prompted.
    “But they can run away!”
    “Really? On foot? With a family? And no money? Mostly they never even try. Most people put up with most things, Agnes.”
    “That’s the most unpleasant, cynical—”
    Accurate, Perdita said.
    “—accur—No!”
    Vlad raised his eyebrows. “You have such a strange mind, Agnes. Of course, you are not one of the…cattle. I expect that no witch is. You people tend to know your own mind.” He gave her a toothy grin, and on a vampire this was not pleasant. “I wish I did. Come along.”
    There was no resisting the pull, unless she wanted to be dragged along the ground.
    “Father’s very impressed with you witches,” he said, over his shoulder. “He says we should make you all vampires. He says you’re halfway there anyway. But I’d much rather you came to see how marvelous it could be.”
    “You would, would you? I’d like to be constantly craving blood?”
    “You constantly crave chocolate, don’t you?”
    “How dare you!”
    “Blood tends to be low in carbohydrates. Your body will adapt. The pounds will just drop away…”
    “That’s sickening!”
    “You’ll have complete control over yourself…”
    “I’m not listening!”
    “All it takes is a little prick—”
    “It’s not going to be yours, mister!”
    “Hah! Wonderful!” said Vlad and, dragging Agnes behind him, he leapt into the Lancre Gorge.

Granny Weatherwax opened her eyes. At least, she had to assume they were open. She’d felt the lids move.
    Darkness lay in front of her. It was velvet black, starless, a hole in space. But there was light behind her. She was standing with her back to the light, she could sense it, see it on her hands. It was streaming past, outlining the darkness that was the long rich deep shadow of her on the…
    …black sand. It crunched under her boots as she shifted her weight.
    This was a test. Everything was a test. Everything was a competition. Life put them in front of you every day. You watched yourself all the time. You had to make choices. You never got told which ones were right. Oh, some of the priests said you got given marks afterward , but what was the point of that?
    She wished her mind was working faster. She couldn’t think properly. Her head felt full of fog.
    This…wasn’t a real place. No, that wasn’t the right way of thinking about it. It wasn’t a usual place. It might be more real than Lancre. Across it her shadow stretched, waiting…
    She glanced up at the tall, silent figure beside her.
    G OOD EVENING .
    “O H …you again.”
    A NOTHER CHOICE , E SMERELDA W EATHERWAX .
    “Light and dark? It’s never as simple as that, you know, even for you.”
    Death sighed. N OT EVEN FOR ME .
    Granny tried to line up her thoughts.
    Which light and which dark? She hadn’t been prepared for this. This didn’t feel right. This wasn’t the fight she had expected. Whose light? Whose mind was this?
    Silly question. She was always her.
    Never lose your grip on that…
    So…light behind her, darkness in front…
    She’d always said witches stood between the light and the dark.
    “Am I dyin’?”
    Y ES .
    “Will I die?”
    Y ES .
    Granny thought this over.
    “But from your point of view, everyone is dying and everyone will die, right?”
    Y ES .
    “So you aren’t actually bein’ a lot of help, strictly speakin’.”
    I’ M SORRY , I THOUGHT YOU WANTED THE TRUTH . P ERHAPS YOU WERE EXPECTING JELLY AND ICE CREAM ?
    “Hah…”
    There was no movement in the air, no sound but her own breathing. Just the brilliant white light on one side, and the heavy darkness on the other…waiting.
    Granny had listened to people who’d nearly died but had come back, possibly because of a deft thump in the right