Coda Books 04 - Strawberries for Dessert (MM)

sure of it, actually,” he said. He gave me a smart-ass grin.
    “Your mother’s the only person I’ve ever known who actually enjoyed fruitcake.”

Date: May 9
    From: Cole
    To: Jared
    I fear that what I’m doing is wrong. I think, just possibly, it’s even cruel. I’m living a lie, and I hate myself for it. I’m allowing Jonathan to think this can last, when I know that it can’t. It was never my intention to deceive him. It’s only that things were so good in New York, and when we got home, it was terribly easy to allow it to continue. It felt so natural to keep seeing him, even though I feared I was only delaying the inevitable.
    I’ve never been in one place for this long, and that petulant child inside of me is starting to get restless. He is demanding, as he always does, that I go somewhere—anywhere—and I know from experience that I cannot deny him, no matter how much I may wish to. He has always been in control, and it’s only a matter of time before I must heed him.
    I know that when I leave, it will be the beginning of the end. I know it with every fiber of my being. I know Jonathan senses that something is wrong, too. I could try to explain it to him, but in the end, it won’t make any difference. He won’t understand. He won’t believe me. We’ll spend our last days together arguing. He will swear that we will make it work. He will promise me the moon. He’ll even try to give it to me, I’m sure. But it won’t matter. It will end as it always does, with him tiring of my restlessness, and moving on.
    So I choose to keep quiet. I choose to allow us both to be happy for as long I can. Is it wrong for me to do that? Is it wrong for me to stay until that terrible voice in my head becomes so loud I can no longer ignore it? Is it wrong for me to let him love me?
    Don’t answer that.
    The truth is, I can do nothing else. I love him too much.

    IT WAS a Wednesday morning when I arrived at the office to find a note saying that Marcus wanted to see me right away. Now that I wasn’t traveling, I didn’t have reason to meet with him as often as before, but it still wasn’t unheard of, and I didn’t think much about it as I made my way upstairs to his corner office. I knew something was wrong though, when I walked in the door and saw his face. His normal joviality was gone, replaced by a solemnity that made me nervous.
    “Thanks for coming so quickly, Jon. Close the door behind you.”
    That wasn’t an unusual request either, and I tried to tell myself not to worry. I did as he asked and sat down in my usual seat, across from him.
    “Is something wrong?” I asked.
    He wasn’t even looking at me. He was looking at some point over my head. He stared at it for a moment, and I made myself count to five.
    And five again. And finally, he took a deep breath, and looked at me.
    “Jon, we’re letting you go.”
    The room spun. My world collapsed. I had to remember to breathe. It was like one of those carnival rides where the floor falls out beneath you. There was a roaring in my ears. I felt a terrifying sense of vertigo. “You’re what ?”
    “The company is struggling, Jon. We’re barely in the black.
    Moving the Senior Liaison Account Directors out of state helped, but not enough.”
    “You told me that nobody would lose their jobs! You told me—”
    “I know what I told you, Jon,” he said, “and I thought it was the truth. I had no reason to suspect otherwise.”
    “What happened?”
    “Monty’s trying to cut costs. The board only decided on Monday.”
    “Why me ?”
    “It’s not just you. It’s all of the Junior Liaisons. Ten of you total.”
    He sighed, looking down at his desk and rubbing his head. “I was the one person on the board who didn’t vote to downsize. But it’s my department, so I’m the sucker who has to tell ten people today that they’re out of work.” I put my head in my hands and tried to breathe.
    Tried to stay calm. This wasn’t Marcus’s fault. I truly believed that. He had never been my enemy. But I couldn’t fight the rage that was welling up inside of me. “I’m telling you first, Jon, because you have seniority. We’re prepared to offer you one month’s severance—”
    “ One month ? I’ve been here for nine years!”
    “Jon,” he said firmly, and there was a bit of an edge to his voice now, “I’m sorry. None of this is my decision. You have to know that.”
    I took a deep breath and made myself say, “Fine.”
    He sighed