Composing a Life

rules of sexual behavior with impunity and women may not; in a wider sense, a double standard is any rule that controls the behavior of those without power while permitting another group to flout those rules, further enhancing their own power, whether by images of sexual potency or the wealth resulting from insider trading. Some Americans believe that the president of the United States is bound by the laws and the Constitution. Others, including two presidents, seem to believe he is not. We have been going through a period of transition for about twenty years, struggling to become a nation with one law for weak and strong alike; this means tightened scrutiny of the powerful, the introduction of vast numbers of clumsy procedural codes, and legal challenges intended to achieve equity. We have to be flexible about the codes and understanding of the problems of readjustment, but we can go only so far in “grandfathering” patriarchy and discrimination.
    As in Iran, corruption is a by-product of the ambiguity produced by change. Such corruption often involves people who regard themselves as upright; the behaviors they take for granted are relabeled by changing moral standards and they fail to learn new ways. One college professor, who had been praised for his willingness to work with fraternities and his avuncular “boys will be boys” attitude, went on meeting with the fraternities in secret after they had been abolished, virtue transmuted into subversion. During Prohibition, many Americans found familiar behavior suddenly outside the law and became scofflaws in the effort to maintain old habits. But this process undermined other kinds of law-abiding behavior and created a new criminal class. Both the Mafia and the Ku Klux Klan grew from assertions of local autonomy against rules perceived as alien. Now they are criminal. At one time, most decisions in society were made informally by highly placed male elders; the old-boy network was the legitimate way of doing business. Today, that behavior is no longer acceptable, but responsible elders may be tempted to continue old styles of behavior in secret, turning themselves into conspirators. Men who feel that their income or authority has been wrongly eroded may rationalize furtive moonlighting or sift minority applicants out of a pool without seeing themselves as thieves or bigots. Change is hard on everyone—hard on those who have to adjust, hard on those in positions of responsibility who seem to be taking away traditional privileges.
    When I was a child, I often heard complaints about the exclusion of Jews, and Jews were often accused of having a persecution complex. But in America today, the complaint has become less common and Jews have far more complete participation in society. Some complaints of racism and sexism may also be exaggerated, but when racism and sexism are really gone, the complaints will also fade away. One of the problems that complicates talking about these matters is that no active dislike is needed for one group to wish to hold on to privilege at the expense of another group, felt to be outsiders. Nowadays, prejudice is relative, not absolute. There is no fixed rule that excludes, just a different probability, a slight stacking of the cards against certain people, a different and more destructive standard of judgment that makes every error fatal. It’s like going to a gambling casino: if you know that all the games are rigged to guarantee a certain profit to the house, you also know that if you play long enough you will lose everything, even if the house edge is only a few percent. We live in a world in which many positions are open to women, but there is always that slight stacking of the deck, the extra stress, the waiting prejudice that amplifies every problem.
    It took me a long time to recover from my experience at Amherst, going over it again and again, working out what had happened and why. It was important to me to analyze the institution’s patterns as well as to review my own mistakes. It was also interesting to realize that traditional gender patterns played a role not only in the bias of others but also in my habitual reluctance to complain. I had repeatedly accepted inappropriate burdens, stepping in to do what needed to be done. In retrospect, I think I carried them well, but the cost was that I was chronically overloaded, weary, and short of time for politicking, smoothing ruffled feathers, and simply resting. Watching the