Covet (Clann)

front of me last night jolted through me. I’d never seen him like that. At first, I hadn’t realized he was even crying while I held him. He had been so quiet. It was only when he leaned away and I felt the dampness on my shoulder that I’d understood my shirt was wet from his tears.
    He’d always been so…strong. So confident and sure and capable of handling absolutely anything.
    Every time I thought about how much he must trust me in order to lose control in front of me like that, I got choked up and teary-eyed.
    “I am glad you see this my way,” Dad said. Then he circled around in front of me and frowned. He tilted my book so he could read the title on the cover. “ The Art of War makes you tearful?”
    I sighed and rubbed the back of a hand over my cheeks. “I’m not seeing it your way. It’s just common sense. Sun Tzu says you have to pick your battles, so that’s what I’m doing. And don’t worry about the tears. I was just…remembering something sad.”
    “Other than the constant tears, which were also an unfortunate habit of your mother’s, your mother was never this easy to deal with.” He searched my face as if he thought I was plotting to sneak out the first chance I got.
    I resisted the urge to read his mind for confirmation. “Mom isn’t a vampire.”
    “Hmm. Yes, there is the blessing of my genes to factor in. Now, do I want to know why you are reading Sun Tzu?”
    “School assignment,” I lied without even looking up. Actually, I had started reading it thinking it would help me pick and choose my battles with the Clann. Now that Tristan might become Clann leader, I wanted to read it today in case he ever needed some leadership advice. But Dad didn’t need to know that.
    Maybe this was how vamps got to be good at lying. They were forced to do it so much that it became second nature.
    “Hmpf.” He dialed a series of numbers on his phone so fast that even I couldn’t make out which buttons he pushed. Into the phone he said something in another language that sounded vaguely like French at super high speed. After a few seconds, he walked away, speaking in English to Caravass about Tristan’s dad and the elections.
    Alone in the living room, I tried to read. But every few seconds, I caught my attention drifting. I was too restless. My body didn’t want to sit still. I needed something more physical to do. Maybe some tai chi? Sighing, I tossed the book onto the coffee table and returned to my room.
    I turned on my MP3’s docking station, scrolled past all the songs I usually listened to, and found one I hadn’t heard in a while.
    Soon Florence and the Machine was thumping out a catchy beat. Even the lyrics about shaking off regret called to me.
    It seemed I’d felt guilty and full of regret for so long for so many things…for breaking the rules and causing Nanna’s death, for what I was and how I endangered Tristan’s life with our every kiss, for the secrets I was forced to keep, even for my birth and all that it had cost my parents.
    What was that saying about hindsight being 20/20? It was so easy to judge myself looking back at those decisions now. And yet, at the time of each choice, I had thought I was making the right one.
    Tell me you don’t think about us every day and regret breaking up with me.
    I had told Tristan the truth last night. I did wish we could still be together. But I didn’t regret doing what was needed to protect him. And I never would.
    It was the one path I’d taken so far that had left me completely regret free.
    And that was why, when I woke up this morning, I hadn’t cried. Seeing him, talking to him, being held and kissed by him last night, had been painful to lose at the dream’s end. But I had been able to face the day strong this time because I knew all the way to my core that I was right . He had to become the new Clann leader for the sake of so many people. It was his destiny, and our being together would endanger that. Only he could help teach all the descendants to let go of their fear.
    I thought of the Brat Twins and Dylan, trained for years to fear me and all vampires. I used to wonder why they couldn’t just let go of that fear.
    But maybe, if it was so easy to let go of a negative emotion, then I could have let go of my own guilt and regrets by now.
    Maybe it took conscious effort to let it go. And in my case forgiveness, not for others’ mistakes, but for my own. I had to find a way to forgive myself for not being perfect,