Dark Rivers of the Heart

half-conscious. Opens her eyes. I'm staring into her eyes, begging her to understand, as he forces my hand everywhere, all the time talking, talking, telling me that I can do anything to her I want, its right, its what I was born to do, she's only here to be what I need her to be.
        I come far enough out of a daze to struggle briefly, fiercely.
        Too brief, not fierce enough. His arm is around my throat, choking me, jamming me against the table with his body, choking with his left arm, choking, the taste of blood in my mouth, until I'm weak again. He knows when to release the pressure, before I pass out, because he doesn't want me to pass out. He has otherplans. I sag against him, crying now, tears dropping onto the bare skin of the manacled woman.
        He lets go of my right hand. I hardly have strength to lift it from the woman.
        Clink and rattle. Down at my side. I look. One of his disembodied hands. Sorting through the silvery instruments that are floating in the void. He pucks a scalpelfrom the weightless array of clamps andforceps and needles and blades.
        Seizes my hand, presses the scalpel into it, folds his hand over mine, grinding my knuckles, forcing me to grip the blade. Below us the woman sees our handy and the shining steel, and she begs us not to kill her "I know what you are, " he says, "I know what you are, sweet boy, my baby boy. Just be what you are, just let go and be what you are.
        You think she is beautiful now? You think she is the most beautiful thing you've ever seen? Oh, just wait until we've shown her how to be more beautiful. Let Daddy show you what you are, what you need, what you like. Let me show you what fun it is to be u,hat you are.
        Listen, Mikey, listen now, the same dark river runs through your heart and mine. Listen, and you can hear it, that deep dark river, roaring along, quiet and powerful, roaring along. With me now, with me, just let the river carry you along. Be with me now and lift the blade high.
        See how it shines? Let her see i't, see how she sees it, how she has eyes for nothing else. Shining and hiqb ill yotilhand and mine. Feel the power we have over her, over all the weak andfoolivb onff who can never understand. Be with me, lift it high-" He has one arm loosely around my throat, my right hand gripped by his, although my left arm, is free. istead of reaching back for him or trying to jam my elbow into him, which won't work, I plant my hand against the stainless steel unendurable horror and desperation empower me. With that hand and my whole body, I shove away from the table.
        Then with my legs. Then my feet. Kicking against the table with both feet. Rushing backward into the bastard, unbalancing him.
        He stumbles, still clutching the hand in which I've got the scalpel, trying to tighten the arm at my throat.
        But then he pushes backward, me atop him. The scalpel clinks away in darkness. My falling weight drives the breath out of him. I'm free.
        Free.
        I scramble across the black floor. The door My right hand aching.
        No hope of helping the woman. But I can bring help. Police.
        Someone.
        She can still be saved.
        Through the door, onto my feet, tottering, flailing to keep my balance, out into the catacombs, running, running past all the frozen white women, trying to shout. Throat bleeding inside. Raw and raspy.
        Voice a whisper No one on the ranch to hear me anyway. Just me, him, the naked woman. But I'm running, running, screaming in a whisper when there no one to hear The expression on Ellie's face cut through Spencer's heart.
        He said, "I shouldn't have brought you here, shouldn't have put you through this."
        She was gray in the light of the frost-white bulbs. "No, it's what you had to do. If I had any doubts, I have none now. You can't have gone on forever… with all of this."
        "But that's what I'll have to do. Go on forever with it. And I don't know now why I thought I could find a life. I don't have any right to make you carry this weight with me."
        "You can go on with it and have a life… as long as you remember it all. And I think now I know what it is you can't remember, where those lost minutes come in."
        Spencer couldn't bear to meet her eyes. He looked at Rocky, where the dog sat in deep despondency: head lowered, ears drooping, shivering.
        . Then he turned his eyes to the