Days of Love and Blood

change him. He gave me the comfort I needed and I think I did the same for him. I was in love with him for who he was.
    Lying in bed one night he asked me about Ritchie.
    “Does it bother you to talk about him?”
    “A little. It still hurts. But I feel okay talking about him to you.” I felt his arm tighten around me in a quick squeeze.
    “Was he like me at all?”
    “A little bit. He didn’t try to own me. He didn’t tell me what to do. That part is like you. It’s a lot like you. And he could be stubborn, just like you.”
    “Did you have a good, you know, relationship?”
    “It was very good. We were happy.”
    “Do ya think he would like me? I mean if he could see us now and see me with Ronan, do ya think he would approve?”
    “Yes,” I said with a smile. This wasn’t something I expected Cooper to ask. He was normally too guarded to show a display of self-conscious thought. “I think he would be very happy.”
    “Are ya jus’ sayin’ that?”
    “No,” I assured him. “Of course not. I think he would feel that Ronan and I are safe with you. And that would be his top priority.”
    Cooper sighed and put his free hand behind his head.
    “When did ya know?”
    “Know what?”
    “That you were in love with him?”
    “It was fast. I don’t know when. Maybe a few months after we started to date. I couldn’t think of doing anything without him. Every thought in my mind had something to do with him. Whenever I was happy or sad, Ritchie was the one I wanted to call and talk to. It was suddenly like I found my twin and I couldn’t imagine another day without him. I never felt that way before about anyone.”
    “How do you feel about me?”
    “Was that a set-up?” I laughed. His eyebrows creased inwards and I realized that he was serious. “I care about you a lot, Cooper.”
    “I know I can never take his place.”
    “I never asked you to.”
    “I know. But I wanna in a way.”
    “I want you here, too.”
    “It isn’t jus’ ‘cause of Ronan. I don’t want you to think that I’m using him to fill some void from losing my son. It’s both of you. I feel the same way, the way you felt with Ritchie. I might not say it as well or as often as I should.”
    “You don’t need to say it. I already know.” I sat up and kissed him gently. “I don’t want you to be Ritchie. I love you as Cooper.”
    He inhaled deeply and shook as he exhaled. He put his hand on the back of my head and pushed me down, kissing me hard on the lips.
    “I love you, too,” he whispered.

    Less than a year later, Cooper drove with me and Ronan to Sweet Home, Oregon. I wanted to go back to get some personal memorabilia I had left behind and with the absence of the homicidals, we felt it was safe enough to make the trip. I would have left Ronan behind but there was one thing we needed to do together.
    I chose a spot right in front of the Weddle Bridge where Ritchie and I had been married, and the three of us held hands as we hovered over the shallow grave holding Ritchie’s remains. Ronan was quiet until he tossed his father’s fishing hat into the ground and then his tears came out into the open. He covered his face and leaned into Cooper’s side. I added our wedding picture, Ronan’s ultrasound print and a few more of Ritchie’s favorite pictures that had been in frames on his desk. After a few minutes, Cooper pulled Ronan away to give me some privacy. At last I allowed myself to remember all that was and my grief resurfaced.
    “I’m so sorry I couldn’t help you,” I sobbed. “I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you. I wanted to. I never wanted to live without you, Ritchie. I miss you so much.” Guilt suddenly overwhelmed me and I gasped, holding my hand over my mouth with my eyes clenched shut. After a few minutes I looked up at the bridge and remembered him at one of his happiest moments.
    “Ronan’ s okay. He misses you and so do I. We survived, Ritchie. We made it. You had something to do with that, you know. The camper - the one we fought about - it saved us. He’s growing so big now. Oh, Ritchie, I wish you could see him. He looks so much like you.” I felt a slight kick and looked down at the bulging roundness sticking out from my abdomen. I rubbed my belly and laughed a little.
    “I met someone. I think you would like him a lot. He’s been good to me and he loves Ronan. I wanted you to know that I will never forget you and I won’t let Ronan forget either. You’ll always be with us.