Days of Love and Blood

stood, I was in plain view of everyone. Ben was nowhere in sight. They all regarded me for a brief moment before looking away. I wasn’t sure if it was my face or my deed. The girls were quiet, pretending to look out the window. Solomon stood in the middle of the kitchen drying a mug with a towel and Brigham leaned against the counter sipping tea. I heard Ronan’s voice trail down from the staircase and I raced up the creaky, familiar steps.

Time
    People left me alone for weeks after what I did in the barn. Cooper was the only one in my company for a while, making me feel like he was the only one to stand by me. The only nights he wasn’t there was when he took watch. I didn’t want to keep Ronan in isolation so Cooper took him over to the Fielding’s every few days.
    When Ronan asked me what happened, I thought about settling on a variation but decided to convey the truth. I couldn’t lie to him about this. I already decided I wouldn’t lie to him. It was dangerous to lie. I knew that now more than ever. I told him the truth and I assured him they wouldn’t be bothering us again. For a while, I had to watch him struggle with a new fear. He was unable to sleep in his own room and wanted to be by my side every minute of the day. After the first few times Cooper took Ronan over to the farm, he began to resist the offer. He only wanted to be with me. I knew he wanted my comfort but at the same time, I think he wanted to protect me. Ronan had been strengthened by the loss of his father in a way that made him determined not to lose another parent. He became my shadow for months.
    Cooper moved his things over to my house the night after the barn. After I put Ronan to bed that first night, he sat in the kitchen and silently watched me with his chin in his hands as I made tea and cleaned the counters. I could tell he was struggling to say something and I waited for him to voice his mind while I cleaned a kitchen which needed no attention.
    “Tell me,” I finally said after whipping around , leaning against the counter and throwing a rag over my shoulder. “Say it.”
    Cooper’s foot tapped against the ground and his eyebrows rose, carrying along with them his deep-set green eyes. He sighed before lifting his face from his hands.
    “You didn’t have to do it,” was all he said.
    “It was my responsibility.”
    “Why didn’t you want me to know?”
    “ I was afraid of what you’d think of me. Because I was afraid my own mind would change if I said it out loud. Because I wanted to do it on my own. I made the decision to do it when they touched me. I wanted to do it then. But what I didn’t want was anyone telling me why, when or how. If I had told you or anyone else what I was going to do, you might have tried to talk me out of it. I didn’t want that. I just wanted to do it and get it over with.”
    “You stopped me from doing the same thing,” he reminded me.
    “ I know. I shouldn’t have. But in a way it was different. They hadn’t done anything - yet.”
    “But I knew they would’ve if they could. And they did.”
    “I didn’t,” I replied. “But you were right. I should have agreed with you. You were right, Cooper. And I’m so sorry.”
    “Oh, no, Carson,” he pleaded. He moved from his chair and stood in front of me with both palms face-out. “I’m not lookin’ for an apology. Don’t be sorry. I don’t blame you and no one else does neither. No one’s mad at you. We jus’ didn’t expect it none. I didn’t expect it.”
    “What did you expect?”
    “I don’t know. I didn’t try to stop you when you said you wanted to talk to them even though it made no sense.” He paused and rubbed the side of his nose with one finger while looking away. “I wouldn’t have tried to stop you with this.”
    “I didn’t mean to trick you or be dishonest, Cooper.”
    “I know. When you have a plan, you go for it. But don’t be afraid to tell me nothing.”
    “ You’re not mad?”
    “No.”
    “No?”
    “No,” he repeated. “I’m worried. I know you, Carson. I know how strongly ya feel about the difference between a man and a homicidal. I’m worried about ya and how you feel about what ya did.”
    “Indifferen t,” I said which wasn’t entirely true. I felt indifference for those two men but I wondered about the implications it would hold in the long run. Not for me so much as for our community. I wondered if my actions would influence the way others felt about people like