Days of Love and Blood

you trust me?” I asked him. He nodded his head slightly. “You need to let me talk to them alone. Just promise me, you’ll let me do that first. That’s all I ask.”
    “Yeah,” he replied and put his hands in his pockets, lifting his shoulders up to his ears in a wayward shrug. “But after that, Carson, I have to have it my way.” He wiped his mouth and looked up at the ceiling, breathing in a deep gust of air. “I don’t know how I’ll be able to stop myself. I jus’ don’t think - I won’t be able to be there, that close to them, while they did what they did to you last night. I can’t, I just can’t do nothing.”
    “I know,” I said and I cupped his face in my hands. “I know. But can we talk about it after? Please?”
    Again, Cooper nodded.
    “Thank you. ”
    “I don’t understand what you could possibly wanna talk to them ‘bout.”
    “You will. I promise. Let’s get this over with.” It was easy to see that he had more questions but he held back admirably.
    I leaned into his chest so I could feel his arms wrap around me one more time and stayed there for a while. He never lessened his strong hold in an effort to pull away. He stayed there with his head buried in my neck. I was the one who had to break us apart even though I never wanted to leave his arms again.

    We pulled into the Fielding’s farm an hour later. One by one, the people filtered out of the house and gathered on the porch. I pulled as close to the big barn as I could and it was Ivy who ran out to meet us.
    “What should I do?” asked Cooper.
    “Can you make sure Ronan stays inside until I’m done? And then go the barn. I’ll meet you there. I just need a few minutes alone to collect myself if that’s okay.”
    “That’s okay.”
    He opened the door and Ivy rushed by him, up the steps. When she looked at my face, she broke into hysterics.
    “ You were right, Ivy,” I confessed. “I’m not the same anymore.”
    “ What did they do to you?” she cried. She tried to reach around me but I withdrew from her attempted embrace and pushed her arms down.
    “Do you remember how you said I was different? Do you remember when you insinuated that I enjoyed killing people? Homicidals?” Tears ran unchecked down my cheeks and I turned my head to look out the window, toward the barn.
    “Carson, I didn’t mean what I said.”
    “Yes, you did.”
    “Oh my God. Carson, this isn’t karma. Is that what you think?” I shook my head at her misinterpretation but she continued. “You’re not a bad person. Things like this don’t happen to people because of something they did, honey.”
    “No, that’s not what I’m trying to say.”
    “Tell me.”
    “I’m saying I lied to you. I did like killing them. It felt good. And I couldn’t get enough because no matter how many I killed, Ritchie wasn’t coming back. I’m - I’m sorry for lying to you.”
    “Don’t be sorry, Carson. I’ll always love you.”
    “Always?”
    “No matter what.”
    “Promise?”
    “Promise.”
    “Thank you,” I said as I gathered her in my arms. “I’m alright. But right now, I need some time. I need to go talk to them. I need to do this. And Ivy, I need you all to let me do this, with privacy. I’ll talk to you after.” I put my hands on her shoulders and gently pushed her back. “Can you do that for me? Can you tell everyone up there to leave me be until I leave the barn?” She sobbed without answering and left the camper. I was alone.
    I pulled the large duffle bag down from the storage bin and emptied it out onto the table. I pulled on my black pants, strapped on my boots, put a tank top under my Kevlar vest and black shirt and leather jacket over it. I stretched my hands into the tight leather gloves and squeezed both fists to grow a bit of room. I slid the helmet over my face, pulled on my swords and grabbed one single bottle of water. My heart was as steady as it had ever been and I reached for the door.
    There was silence when I stepped out of the camper. I looked up to the porch from where I stood. Marianna lift ed her hand to her heart but the rest of them remained quiet, motionless, accepting. The wind had picked up and I felt it pushing me in the opposite direction, toward the barn. I turned around and let it guide me to what was already my destination.
    “Carson? Carson?”
    I didn’t turn when I heard Ben’s voice. I could tell he had left the porch and his steps quickened into a run behind me.
    “No, stop!