Dead Reckoning

position, estimating trajectory. When I was sure I had it right, I pitched cold water on the battling vampires.
    I was putting out a different kind of fire, this time.
    Pam shrieked like a teakettle as the cold water drenched her face, and Eric said something that sounded vile in a language I didn’t know. For a split second, I thought they’d both launch themselves at me. Standing with my feet braced, empty pitcher in my hand, I gave them glare for glare. Then I turned on my heel and walked away.
    Immanuel was surprised to see me return in one piece. He shook his head. Obviously, he didn’t know whether to admire me or think me an idiot.
    “You’re nuts, woman,” he said, “but at least I got your hair looking good. You should come in and get some highlights. I’ll give you a break on the price. I charge more than anybody else in Shreveport.” He added that in a matter-of-fact way.
    “Oh. Thanks. I’ll think about it.” Exhausted by my long day and my burst of anger—anger and fear, they wear you out—I perched on an empty corner of my couch and waved Immanuel to my recliner, the only other chair in the room that wasn’t covered with attic fallout.
    We were silent, listening for renewed combat in the kitchen. To my relief, the noise didn’t resume. After a few seconds Immanuel said, “I’d leave, if Pam wasn’t my ride.” He looked apologetic.
    “No problem,” I answered, stifling a yawn. “I’m just sorry I can’t get into the kitchen. I could offer you more to drink or something to eat if they’d get out of there.”
    He shook his head. “The Coke was enough, thanks. I’m not a big eater. What do you think they’re doing? Fucking?”
    I hoped I didn’t look as shocked as I felt. It was true that Pam and Eric had been lovers right after he turned her. In fact, she’d told me how much she’d enjoyed that phase of their relationship, though over the decades she’d found she preferred women. So there was that; also, Eric was married to me now, in a sort of nonbinding vampire way, and I was pretty sure that even a vampire-human marriage precluded the having of sex with another partner in the wife’s kitchen?
    On the other hand . . .
    “Pam usually prefers the ladies,” I said, trying to sound more certain than I actually was. When I thought of Eric with someone else, I wanted to rip out all his beautiful blond hair. By the roots. In clumps.
    “She’s sort of omnisexual,” Immanuel offered. “My sister and Pam have had another man in the bed with them.”
    “Ah, okay.” I held up a hand in a “stop” gesture. Some things I didn’t want to imagine.
    “You’re a little prudish for someone who goes with a vampire,” Immanuel observed.
    “Yes. Yes, I am.” I’d never applied that adjective to myself, but compared to Immanuel—and Pam—I was definitely straightlaced.
    I preferred to think of it as having a more evolved sense of privacy.
    Finally, Pam and Eric came into the living room, and Immanuel and I sat forward on the edge of our seats, not knowing what to expect. Though the two vampires were expressionless, their defensive body language let me know that they were ashamed of their loss of control.
    They’d begun healing already, I noticed with some envy. Eric’s hair was disheveled and one shirt sleeve was torn off. Pam’s dress was ripped, and she was carrying her shoes because she’d broken a heel.
    Eric opened his mouth to speak, but I jumped in first.
    “I don’t know what that was about,” I said, “but I’m too tired to care. You two are liable for anything you broke, and I want you to leave this house right now. I’ll rescind your invitation, if I have to.”
    Eric looked rebellious. I was sure he’d planned on spending the night at my place. This night, though, that was not gonna happen.
    I’d seen headlights coming up the drive, and I was sure Claude and Dermot were here. I couldn’t have fairies and vampires in the same house at the same time. Both were strong and ferocious, but vampires literally found fairies irresistible, like cats and catnip. I wasn’t up to another struggle.
    “Out the front door,” I said, when they didn’t move immediately. “Shoo! Thanks for the haircut, Immanuel. Eric, I appreciate your thinking about my hair care needs .” (I might have said this with more than a touch of sarcasm.) “It would have been nice if you had thought a little longer before you trashed my kitchen.”
    Without more ado, Pam beckoned to