Deaths Excellent Vacation

wind-pipe a little smoother. Maybe it was the menthol. It felt like I was sucking on a hot candy cane. And man, did I feel good. Something powerful shot through my veins, made me feel as funny and clever as Jerry and Kevin combined.
    “Taste me, taste me.” I raised my cigarette and recited Doral’s famous TV jingle as if it were Shakespearean verse. “Come on and taste me!”
    Everybody laughed. The three girls. My two buddies. Jerry McMillan even winked at me just to let me know I was finally catching on to how to play the game, finally growing up.
    Finally joining the fraternity of the tight and the cool.
    So I smacked down some more smoke. Stifled some more coughs. Felt a rush of nicotine that made me feel like a jolly genius with superhuman powers. I jumped up and did my best to impersonate the jazz chanteuse voice of the singing cigarette pack in Doral’s cheesiest TV commercial: “Taste me, taste me. C’mon and taste me! Take a puff and let me do my stuff!”
    Everybody was doubled up, laughing, holding their sides.
    Brenda Narramore included.
    Blurry from beer and wine, dizzy from tar and nicotine, I stumbled sideways and accidentally dropped my “ciggy-boo” in the sand.
    “Here,” said Brenda. She was already firing up its replacement for me.
    I plopped down next to her. Took my second smoldering stick. I coughed like I had bronchitis. Felt dizzy. My brain was all kind of fuzzy, but I think Brenda Narramore had moved closer to me. Our thighs kissed.
    I couldn’t follow up on whatever that might mean because Kevin wanted to tell ghost stories.
    Understandable.
    We were sitting around a hypnotic driftwood fire under a full moon. The three girls were giddy and loose thanks to the beer and wine. In fact, Kimberly had already crawled into Jerry’s lap wearing nothing but her bikini.
    A good ghost story would force the other ladies to leap into the first available pair of strong, manly arms they could find (such as the ones Kevin had spent the winter and spring sculpting in his garage).
    And so Kevin started spinning his tale.
    “My uncle Rocco works for the Verona Volunteer Rescue Squad. One night, they get this call from over in Montclair. Now, Montclair is a bigger town, has a professional ambulance crew, firefighters, the whole nine yards. But, last March, there was this huge accident. A horrible wreck. Seven girls in a station wagon, cheerleaders on their way home from a basketball game, wrap themselves around a telephone pole.”
    Donna gasped. It was all the encouragement Kevin needed.
    “Anyway, my uncle Rocco and his partner hit the siren and lights because it’s all-hands-on-deck time, you know? There’s only one problem: They’re from Verona and don’t know the roads over in Montclair too good. So they pull over to the side of the road. Whip out a map. Can’t figure out where the hell they are. All of a sudden, Uncle Rocco senses somebody staring at him through his window. It’s freaking him out, but he turns around and sees this old black dude standing right outside his door.”
    “What’d he do?”
    “He rolled down his window.”
    Donna gasped again.
    “Remember, it’s early March. Technically still winter. So when Uncle Rocco rolls down that window, he’s hit with a blast of cold air. He can see his breath steaming out of his mouth, it’s so frigging chilly out. Anyways, he sizes up the old black dude. The guy doesn’t look like trouble. Kind of dapper, a college professor type, you know? Wire- rimmed glasses, tweedy sport coat with the patches on the sleeves, neatly trimmed goatee. The works. Anyways, the professor standing outside their vehicle asks Uncle Rocco if he’s looking for the car wreck. ‘Yeah,’ he says. The old black guy nods. ‘It’s about a mile east of here.’ ”
    When he was doing the black man’s voice, Kevin made him sound all warbly and spooky. The girls moved closer to their guys. Well, Donna and Kimberly. Brenda just sat there smoking Dorals, staring into the fire.
    “ ‘You sure?’ my uncle Rocco asks. ‘Yes,’ says the black man. ‘Take the next right, then turn left at the second traffic light. The second, mind you. Not the first. The second!’ ”
    “So what happened?” Even Jerry McMillan was mesmerized.
    “They take off. Siren wailing. Lights spinning. They do the right, hit a major highway, count the traffic lights. Long story short, they find the wreck right where the old man said it would be. They set to work. The