Diana Racine 02 - Goddess of the Moon

it got worse. I went back to the doctor and he prescribed a more potent pill. By the time I went to a urologist, the cancer had spread to the lymph nodes in the groin. I won’t bore you with the che mical torture other than to say nothing worked. My penis had to be excised or I would have died. Surgery was the only way to save my life, and against the odds, I’m still alive. Ironic, because I spent the next ten years trying different ways to kill myself. It would have been a lot easier and less painful had I let nature take its course.” Slater’s voice came out flat, his statement a matter-of-fact explanation of a condition he’d long since suffered and accepted.
    Flashes of heat pulsed through Diana’s body, her heart thrummed. When she realized she sat as rigid as a statue, she made a point of relaxing. But the gesture must have seemed as phony to Slater as it felt to her. His story shook her, and he knew it.
    “I’m…I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say.”
    “That’s why I didn’t want to touch you. I was afraid you’d sense something.”
    She didn’t think she was capable of such a vision, of so shocking a revelation. “So, the name Osiris was a literal interpretation. Cut into little pieces and put back together, except for the phallus.”
    “Exactly. I thought you might figure it out.”
    “Who could possibly connect mythology with reality and come to that conclusion? Those ten years you spoke of, where were you?”
    “Reconstructive surgery, not to create a penis as Isis succeeded in doing, although I wear a prosthesis to create the illusion, but surgery that allows me to urinate. Then more chemo, radiation, drugs, alcohol, and three suicide attempts. I’ve been to hell and back, Ms. Racine. I’m sure there are worse things than losing your manhood, but to be honest, after what I’ve been through, I can’t think of one. And don’t say that one’s manhood isn’t all between his legs. Try telling that to a woman who thinks she loves you, until you tell her you’re missing a crucial part of the love-making process.”
    Diana nodded, then wondered how she would feel if she learned that about the man she loved. She shook off the thought. “So you lost faith in God.”
    “No benevolent g od could allow such a travesty . Believe me, being a divinity student put my faith to a test. My faith lost.”
    “Hence, all the studies, the psychology and philosophy. You were looking for answers. You must have come to terms with your situation. You seem at peace.”
    “In many cases, radiation kills sexual urges, but not in mine. So I had myself castrated. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but it relieved me of feelings I couldn’t engage in and lessened my torment.”
    So that’s why he didn’t follow through with Jeanine Highsmith. He couldn’t.
    “Why are you telling me this, Mr. Slater? Obviously, you’ve kept this from everyone. You refused to touch me, so why tell me now?”
    “Because we share a sense of mysticism. In that realm, I am normal.”
    “So you became a mythological figure, explaining, if only to yourself, a situation you couldn’t face as Edward Slater.”
    He sucked in his bottom lip and closed his eyes for a minute . When he opened them, he stared at Diana. There passed between them a brief connection so strong it was as if a spark ignited. S he could n’t explain the sensation , nor did she want to as a picture of Lucier flashed in front of her eyes , but her heart raced .
    “Something like that,” he said, still staring.
    A moment later she found her voice. “ What took the place of your faith ? ”
    “ I’m an atheist. That’s renouncing belief in a supreme being. I never said I relinquished my faith. On the contrary, if you remember when we first met, I said I was a disciple of faith and reverence. It’s not faith in God. Nothing radical, I assure you, but it entails a long story, which I’ll save for another time. I’ll probably regret telling you what I’ve already told you.”
    “Did you tell Jeanine Highsmith ?”
    “Jeanine was seeking something I couldn’t give her. She possessed an exceptional i ntellect, but she clearly had other things in mind ― carnal pleasure, for one. And I…well, I’m not in the market for that and never will be.”
    “ Y ou still could have pleasured a woman. N ot with penetration but certainly with other methods. Before castration you had physical cravings.”
    “ Which only made me more aware of