Do You Remember the First Time?

that,’ she repeated. ‘Stop being so … so young .’
    I stuck out my lower lip.
    ‘Do you know what?’ she went on. ‘I’d almost say fuck the thirteen thousand pounds.’
    ‘Thirteen thousand pounds!’ I said. ‘Are you nuts? You could have gone round the world sixteen times for that!’
    ‘Yes, thank you. Olly pointed that out too. You try telling my mother to de-invite Aunt Nesta.’
    ‘Well, it’s money well spent,’ I said hurriedly. ‘And Nesta gets drunk and falls over during the speeches.’
    ‘Really? Well, that does make it all worth it, I suppose.’ Tashy’s tone was hard.
    ‘Yeah,’ I said.
    ‘No,’ she said suddenly, ferociously playing with the Sweetex. ‘It’s not that. It’s none of that. I see that now. I spent all night crying, just lying beside Max. He’d spent the entire evening on the phone geeking off to one of his friends about computers.’
    ‘Communications skills,’ I said.
    ‘And I thought: I can’t put up with this. I can’t do it. Ican’t go to supper with this man, or take him out to meet friends and have him be so dull, and so unsupportive and so un-me.’
    I reached out and took her hand.
    ‘Your hand is very greasy,’ she said, glancing round in case she looked like a preying paedophile.
    ‘Sorry,’ I said. I wiped them on my school skirt, feeling as if I’d been given a telling-off by a grown-up. Then I realised I was being daft.
    ‘OK then, do it,’ I said. ‘Look at me. It’s obvious the world is full of surprises. There are twists of fate every step of the way. You have to follow—’
    ‘Flora,’ she said, her tone serious. ‘This is important. Do you want to come back?’
    This took me by surprise. ‘I thought we were talking about your life,’ I grumbled.
    ‘I mean it, Flo. This is very important.’
    And I thought about it. Hard. I thought about the accountancy firm. And I thought about my thirty-two-year-old body. And I thought about art school. And I thought about Justin. And I thought about Clelland. And I thought about possibilities – to do it differently, to change it. But most of all I thought about my mum and dad.
    ‘Oh God,’ I said.
    ‘What?’ said Tashy. ‘What?’
    ‘Well, yeah,’ I said. ‘I mean, sure.’
    Tashy didn’t say anything for a moment, just kept staring at me with an unnerving intensity. Then: ‘You don’t sound so sure.’
    ‘But my mum, Tash. My mum. I haven’t seen her like this … I mean, you know her, but you don’t have to dealwith her like I do. All those tears, all those calls … I think my dad is leaving – the first time round I left her alone. I went to university and left her to it. I nearly destroyed her.’
    We stared at each other.
    ‘So what are you saying?’
    I realised we were both leaning over, desperately sincere about this. It was serious – very serious.
    I thought of Clelland’s amused-looking face at my predicaments. He would be off to Africa again soon with Madeleine and I’d never see him again anyway, and I’d be back to Belsize Park, completely on my own, spinster city beckoning …
    ‘Oh God, Tashy, I don’t … I just don’t … can’t we think about this nearer the time?’
    ‘In a week and a half?’ Tashy seemed troubled. ‘Look, Olly and I have been talking about this.’
    ‘Uh-huh?’
    ‘The thing is. The thing is – I can’t call off the wedding.’
    ‘Why not?’ I had the feeling I was being a bit slow, but couldn’t quite see where.
    ‘If you can only get back by wishing on my cake …’
    Suddenly the penny dropped. My mouth opened.
    ‘Oh, no,’ I said.
    ‘But I couldn’t do that to you,’ she said. ‘You don’t know yourself. Heck …’ Her voice took on a kind of strangulated choking sound. ‘What’s a small divorce between friends?’
    ‘Please don’t marry him.’
    ‘And condemn you to sit your whole life again, in someone else’s world? I couldn’t do that. I can’t do that. Sorry, missus.’
    ‘It … it’ll be fine,’ I said.
    ‘Unless I get married, it doesn’t look like you have a choice either way.’
    I stared at her. ‘And Max eats soft-boiled eggs and farts in bed for the next sixty years,’ she said quietly.
    Then I took her hand and we looked at each other blurrily, through tears. All this time … I mean, yes, I hated being here, I did, but it wasn’t the worse thing that could possibly happen to me, was it? Even if it wasn’t where I belonged. Something struck me.
    ‘I should stay