Do You Remember the First Time?

wondered if she was convinced.

Chapter Thirteen
    It is amazing how much you can get away with not mentioning in families. Amazing. And by the time Monday came around, it was a lovely day. What a nice day. Autumnal, crisp. I’d grown to hate lovely days over the last few years, resenting how they made staying in the office even worse, Dean breathing down my neck every five minutes, making sure nobody could have fun just because the sun was shining. It was pathetic how everyone sat in the concrete garden, desperate to eat our Pret à Manger in just a slice of sunlight. Olly and I always meant to go somewhere outside at the weekend, but by the time we’d read the papers and he’d worked and we’d bickered a bit and I’d got to the gym and … well, half the time it never happened. Actually, it never ever happened, even when we meant to.
    But this was one of those back-to-school days that requires a grey V-neck sweater and some nice fresh stationery. And I had both of those! Mum, quieter than ever, had even made porridge, which I secretly completely loved, as did my dad – asa consequence of which, she hadn’t made it in years. I tried not to think about the fact that I’d glanced at the calendar. And … `well, I had twelve days till Tashy’s wedding. Twelve days till God knows what. Twelve days. And I badly wanted to make the most of them.
    ‘Good party then?’ my dad asked me.
    My mum glanced up at him immediately. I’d spent the entire day before barricaded in my room, simply so I could read the broadsheet papers without snorts of derision coming from my dad over the Mail on Sunday about who was getting all pretentious then, but maybe he thought I was swooning with love for some lad. Oh God. Well, when it came down to it, I had snogged him. Oh God. I was trying to pretend it was all a dream, like the rest of my life. Except – oh, this was ridiculous. I had butterflies. I hadn’t had those for years. Yes, his lips were very pink and very soft and he did smell dreamy, but this was just a combination of hormones and nostalgia. Wasn’t it? I told myself sternly. YES.
    ‘Yes,’ I said. Then I did a reflex I hadn’t done for years and would have sworn I couldn’t remember what it was. I put my hand up to my neck to check for lovebites.
    My dad shot my mother another look, but she wouldn’t respond.
    ‘I was very good,’ I said.
    ‘Was that sexy counsellor there? They should have sent her to keep an eye on things.’
    ‘Dad!’
    My dad had known Tashy since she was six! Kind of.
    ‘I just think she’s a good influence on you, that’s all.’
    ‘I think I’m going to walk. Gotta go!’
    I dawdled along, kicking leaves up in the air, forgetting for a moment that I was anything other than a kid on her way to school, thinking about English class, walking past Clelland’s house as usual. I remembered how I used to hang out, desperately hoping to see him walk past. Now I was trying to scuttle past quickly in case either Clelland brother happened to be there.
    Clelland senior was outside the garden gate.
    ‘Um, hi,’ I said.
    ‘Um, hi,’ he said, looking a bit flustered. I don’t know why; I went to school at the same time every day, didn’t I? No, no, I didn’t. I was an adult with different routines and choices, I tried to remind myself.
    ‘Have you moved back home?’ I asked.
    ‘Have you?’
    ‘ Touché ,’ I said.
    ‘No, it’s just, Maddie doesn’t really like her parents thinking we … you know. While we’re in the country.’
    ‘Are they God botherers?’
    ‘And how. I mean, no, not … just Christians, you know, perfectly normal.’
    Suddenly Justin came out of the front door. My heart started to palpitate again. He saw me and immediately went red from the tips of his ears to his shirt collar. Oh, for goodness’ sake.
    ‘Come on, small bear,’ shouted Clelland.
    I looked at them both.
    ‘He’s not walking me to school,’ said Justin sullenly. ‘He just won’t leave me alone.’
    ‘I’ve been in Africa for two years,’ said Clelland. ‘Is a little bit of bonding too much to ask?’
    ‘Bonding, not babysitting,’ said Justin crossly. ‘And your stupid girlfriend keeps gubbing on about Africa. Are you going or aren’t you?’
    Clelland suddenly turned a bit tight-lipped.
    ‘Shall we go?’ he said.
    There was no way round it. I had to walk in between them. Clelland was looking at me with some amusement.
    ‘So what do you have at school today, little