Do You Remember the First Time?

you’d know,’ he said gruffly, although he had been driving from London for six hours.
    ‘Don’t be nasty to Flora, dear. It’s wonderful she’s a bridesmaid.’
    My parents were over the moon. They couldn’t imagine anyone connected with education liking me enough for this to happen, so they were all dolled up. I was panicked. Torn so completely. Nothing seemed right. Staying here, in the wrong (albeit pretty nifty) body; having to go through God knows what all over, watching my friends get older and settled and leaving me alone with a bunch of dirty art students … or back to that damned accounting firm; back to my poor parents, living unhappily on opposite ends of town, not knowing that they could get over it, that they could get on. Oh God, I felt sick, and that was even beforeI thought of poor Tashy, walking straight into this thing for her friend.
    ‘I’m going up to see her,’ I said, as my parents busied themselves looking for – yuk – our family room.
    ‘Are you sure you should?’ my mum said. ‘Don’t be a bother, Flora.’
    ‘I won’t, I promise.’
    The déjà vu was overwhelming. The same hotel, the same wooden staircase. Possibly even more chintz than last time? I couldn’t be sure. I even ran up to Tashy’s room and banged on the door and wished I’d brought some Baileys.
    ‘Just a minute!’
    ‘It’s OK, it’s only me!’ I said, bursting in – but carefully, still mindful of the wedding dress hanging on the back of the door.
    Tashy was sitting on the side of the floral-patterned bed facing the window, and sitting next to her, with his arm around her, was Olly.
    ‘Bloody hell!’ I said.
    ‘This isn’t what it looks like,’ said Olly, jumping up immediately.
    ‘No, I know that. One of you’s getting married in the morning, and one of you’s you. I was just surprised to see you, that’s all. I thought you had work to do tonight.’
    ‘How would you…never mind,’ said Ol. He looked flushed.
    Tashy turned round to face me, and I gasped. Even in a week, she was thinner than I’d ever seen her, and her face was streaked with tears.
    This was my fault. A month ago, she was maybe a bit ambivalent, but nothing like this. This was the face of Kate Winslet trying to throw herself rather prematurely overthe back of a big ship. What were we doing? What on earth was going to happen?
    ‘Tash!’ I ran to her. ‘I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry. It’s not too late to cancel.’
    She shook her head, shivering. ‘I’m going to be fine,’ she said. ‘I am. I can do it.’
    ‘You won’t.’
    ‘I will.’ She looked at me. ‘Look at you. If you didn’t want to come back, you wouldn’t have been here. You’d have been down the Dog and Duck, trying to hang out with local musicians.’
    I grimaced. ‘That’s not the point.’
    ‘It is, love.’
    Olly stroked her hair, and I squeezed her even tighter to show I was her bestest friend, not him, even if they were born in the same decade.
    ‘I’m going to bite you until you agree to call the whole thing off,’ I said.
    ‘Listen,’ Tash said. ‘It’s not just you, I promise. I don’t have the guts. I just don’t. I’m getting on a bit, and I’ve been planning this for a year, and, partially with you, for twenty years. I am not going to let my mother enjoy some victory whilst pretending to feel sorry for me, or have Heather nodding her head sagely about how things can never work out. I can’t, and I won’t, Flora. Don’t you see? You’re the brave one. You can take the chances. You’re the one that takes the risks.’
    I avoided looking at Olly, and he avoided looking at me.
    ‘Don’t end up like me, Flora. Please. Promise. Promise you’ll go off and study something fun and have a great time and do everything you want and stay a free spirit and never, never compromise.’
    I looked at her, and vowed that I would. I’d change the job – I’d changed the man already – I wouldn’t be afraid. I would just go out and live life, properly.
    ‘Well, what if I just start now?’ I protested. ‘It’d be much easier to change from age sixteen. And that would mean you don’t have to get married!’ I said.
    She looked at me, and I saw the awful truth in her eyes.
    ‘No,’ she said. ‘You were only ever an excuse. I was always going to do it anyway.’
    Just as before, the rain of the night turned into a beautiful morning; sunny and warm for so late in the year. Perfect, in fact. Just as Tashy had always