Doctor Sleep

told me that he thoughtthere was one wrong I couldn’t quite get past, because I was too ashamed to talk about it. He told me to let it go. He reminded me of something you hear at almost every meeting—we’re only as sick as our secrets. And he said if I didn’t tell mine, somewhere down the line I’d find myself with a drink in my hand. Was that the gist of it, Case?”
    From the back of the room Casey nodded, his hands foldedover the top of his cane.
    Dan felt the stinging at the back of his eyes that meant tearswere on the way and thought, God help me to get through this without bawling. Please .
    “I didn’t spill it. I’d been telling myself for years it was the one thing I’d never tell anyone. But I think he was right, and if I start drinking again, I’ll die. I don’t want to do that. I’ve got a lot to live for thesedays. So . . .”
    The tears had come, the goddam tears, but he was in too deep to back out now. He wiped them away with the hand not fisted around the medallion.
    “You know what it says in the Promises? About how we’ll learn not to regret the past, or wish to shut the door on it? Pardon me for saying so, but I think that’s one item of bullshit in a program full of true things. I regret plenty,but it’s time to open the door, little as I want to.”
    They waited. Even the two ladies who had been doling out pizza slices on paper plates were now standing in the kitchen doorway and watching him.
    “Not too long before I quit drinking, I woke up next to some woman I picked up in a bar. We were in her apartment. The place was a dump, because she had almost nothing. I could relate to that because I had almost nothing, and both of us were probably in Broke City for the same reason. You all know what that reason is.” He shrugged. “If you’re one of us, the bottle takes your shit, that’s all. First a little, then a lot, then everything.
    “This woman, her name was Deenie. I don’t remember much else about her, but I remember that. I put on my clothes and left, but first I took her money. Andit turned out she had at least one thing I didn’t, after all, because while I was going through her wallet, I looked around and her son was standing there. Little kid still in diapers. This woman and I had bought some coke the night before, and it was still on the table. He saw it and reached for it. He thought it was candy.”
    Dan wiped his eyes again.
    “I took it away and put it where he couldn’tget it. That much I did. It wasn’t enough, but that much I did. Then I put her moneyin my pocket and walked out of there. I’d do anything to take that back. But I can’t.”
    The women in the doorway had gone back to the kitchen. Some people were looking at their watches. A stomach grumbled. Looking at the assembled nine dozen alkies, Dan realized an astounding thing: what he’d done didn’t revoltthem. It didn’t even surprise them. They had heard worse. Some had done worse.
    “Okay,” he said. “That’s it. Thanks for listening.”
    Before the applause, one of the oldtimers in the back row shouted out the traditional question: “How’d you do it, Doc?”
    Dan smiled and gave the traditional answer. “One day at a time.”
    2
    After the Our Father, and the pizza, and the chocolate cake with the big numberXV on it, Dan helped Casey back to his Tundra. A sleety rain had begun to fall.
    “Spring in New Hampshire,” Casey said sourly. “Ain’t it wonderful.”
    “Raineth drop and staineth slop,” Dan said in a declamatory voice, “and how the wind doth ram! Skiddeth bus and sloppest us, damn you, sing goddam.”
    Casey stared at him. “Did you just make that up?”
    “Nah. Ezra Pound. When are you going to quitdicking around and get that hip replaced?”
    Casey grinned. “Next month. I decided that if you can tell your biggest secret, I can get my hip replaced.” He paused. “Not that your secret was all that fucking big, Danno.”
    “So I discovered. I thought they’d run from me, screaming. Instead, they stood around eating pizza and talking about the weather.”
    “If you’d told em you killed a blind gramma,they’d have stayed to eat the pizza and cake. Free is free.” He opened the driver’s door. “Boost me, Danno.”
    Dan boosted him.
    Casey wriggled ponderously, getting comfortable, then keyed the engine and got the wipers to work on the sleet. “Everything’s smaller when it’s out,” he said. “I hope you’ll pass that on to your