Dot (Araminta Hall)

and which stretch of hedgerow they’d stopped by. And all the way she tried to imagine what Sandra must be going though, how violent it must feel to have a baby taken from you in that way.
    She was directed to the maternity ward when she got there, which seemed barbaric to Alice, and made her angry enough to ask a nurse if Sandra really had to be surrounded by women with their stomachs rounding out their bed sheets. But the nurse looked at her as if she was mad and pointed in the direction of a bed with all the curtains drawn around it.
    Sandra looked miniscule in the bed, as if her flesh had sunk on to her bones. Her bump was still there like some ghastly reminder of what might have been. At first Alice thought she was ignoring her, but then realised that she wasn’t focusing, so she walked forward and brushed her arm. Sandra started when she saw her, but then her face relaxed and the tears fell. Alice sat on the side of the bed.
    ‘God, Sandra, what happened?’
    ‘I killed my baby.’ And she said it so bluntly, it made Alice feel dizzy.
    ‘Don’t say that. You had a car crash.’
    ‘I was driving too fast. I wasn’t taking any care.’ Her fingers twitched at the bed sheets.
    ‘I saw Ellen by the swings this morning, she said Mavis stayed there last night.’ They sat in silence, questions circling like hungry wolves. ‘Ellen said you and Gerry were arguing?’
    ‘Great, so I’m village gossip now, am I?’
    ‘Not at all. She was worried. I’m worried.’
    ‘Of course we were bloody arguing.’
    ‘I’m so sorry.’
    ‘We both know you have nothing to apologise for.’
    Alice felt a surge of love for her friend and went to take her hand, but Sandra jerked away.
    ‘Don’t get the wrong idea, Alice. I know the truth, but I’m not letting it in.’
    ‘What?’
    Sandra looked up at this and her eyes were a steely blue; the blue of madness, Alice found herself thinking. ‘I don’t know if I’m going to get over this. But I have to retain something for Mavis. I’m not as strong as you. I can’t be a single mother.’
    Alice was shocked at this unrecognisable version of herself. ‘Stop it, San. Of course you’ll get over this. I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but one day you’ll have another baby and—’
    ‘No!’ The word ripped through the room. ‘I won’t ever have another baby.’
    ‘Come on, San, it’ll be OK.’
    ‘Stop it, Alice.’
    ‘Please. You’re my best friend. What about Dot and Mavis?’ Alice felt she was grabbing at thin air, falling down a hole.
    ‘Dot and Mavis can still see each other. It’s not like I can’t bear to see you, but there’s nowhere left for us to go, is there? I mean, everything I say to you, you’ll know it’s all based on a lie. What will you say to make me feel better when Gerry puts his hand on the next girl’s knee?’
    Alice was crying as well. ‘I wouldn’t judge you, San. I’d have done the same with Tony if I’d had the chance. I’d have forgiven him anything. My God, I probably still would now. I understand what you’re doing.’
    ‘Alice, go and have a great life. You’ve got it all: you’re kind and funny and beautiful. You just need to wise up a bit. You and Dot should start again, get out of that old house.’
    ‘But you could do the same.’
    She shook her head violently. ‘It’s all over for me. You can’t kill your baby and get away with it.’
    ‘You did not kill your baby.’
    A nurse put her head round the curtain. ‘Visiting time’s over. She should be getting some rest now.’
    ‘She should be getting off this ward,’ Alice said, fury blazing in her. ‘Can’t you move her or something?’
    ‘Don’t worry,’ said Sandra, ‘I’m going home tomorrow.’
    The nurse jerked the curtains back from around the bed. ‘Like I said, visiting time’s over.’
    Alice stood up. ‘I’m always here, Sandra. If you ever change your mind.’
    She shook her head so Alice bent to kiss her cheek, but as she did Sandra grabbed on to her arm, pulling her closer so that her mouth was level with Alice’s ear. ‘It was a boy,’ she whispered, ‘he was a boy.’
    Alice jolted with the awfulness of the knowledge, but Sandra held on tight. ‘I didn’t give birth to him. Apparently they had to cut him out of me to save my life. Not a particularly good exchange, wouldn’t you say? I never even saw him. Nobody told me anything. I had to drag the information out of Gerry. It’s like he never existed. Nothing. I