Dr Jew

me like I'm a five-year-old. Should I, for instance, stop eating pork?
    A: That is totally optional at this point in time.
    Q: Should I stop my square dancing lessons?
    A: Yes.
    Q: Explain it to me like I'm a two-year-old. What are the "cons" of SWINE-AIDS?
    A: There is the possibility of death in 43% of the infected.
    Q: That sounds bad.
    A: Perhaps. But contrast this with the uninfected. 100% of them are one day guaranteed to die.
    Q: I don't understand. Explain it to me like I'm six months old.
    A: SWINE-AIDS has a 43% mortality rate. A simple mathematical calculation and some logic and you'll see that SWINE-AIDS must have a 57% immortality rate. So if you get SWINE-AIDS there's a good chance you may live forever.
    Q: Cool! Are there any other benefits to SWINE-AIDS?
    A: Great question, I'm glad you asked. How about… pig-like superpowers?
    Q: Wow! Such as?
    A: Like the ability to grow hair in new places on your skin at will . Or what about vocoder-like effects from all apertures and cavities on your body? Or what about the ability to be jocular with and masticate your own ordure?
    Q: That sounds awesome. What's ordure?
    A: And if that's not enough, how about… ESP with pigs?!
    Q: Neat! Which is coolest: swine flu, AIDS, or SWINE-AIDS?
    A: What, are you stupid or something? Didn't I just tell you about all the great benefits of SWINE-AIDS? Why would you settle for a mediocre disease? If you're still not sure, ask yourself which has the most potential for HOLLYWOOD BLOCKBUSTER?
    Q: Which? AIDS?
    A: Oh come on. Remember Philadelphia ? Zzzz.
    Q: Perhaps swine flu then?
    A: Yeah, pigs and vomit. That sounds sexy.
    Q: Okay, so when can we expect a major SWINE-AIDS motion picture?
    A: Some sources say by year's end.
    Q: You mean this year? Cool! Who will direct it?
    A: Although it's a bit early to say, insiders hint the director has the initials "S.S."
    Q: !
    A: !
    Q: Who will star in this megablockbuster?
    A: Do you remember Aladdin ?
    Q: No, what is that?
    A: An animated feature film about a poverty-drenched Muslim boy/man and his infatuation with a high-class princess beyond his reach until he discovers a metal ornament and a magical being who temporarily destroys his filth status to allow the princess to see his inner fiber and permit love to bloom in the desert.
    Q: Awww. If you were to write a poem about that, how would it go?
    A: Like this:
    Sweet jasmine blossom
    Of the desert night,
    Rightly skin-exposed in the
    Torpid Arab dust,
    And I see you bend and
    Hover like a cracking dawn,
    Olfactory tumescence,
    Raging packets of liquid warm
    Nougats and laser friction:
    Yours truly, Aladdin.
    Q: That's so sweet. But explain it to me like I was just born five minutes ago: Who will star in the SWINE-AIDS megablockbuster?
    A: Oh, Gilbert Gottfried.
    Q: Who…?
    A: The voice of the evil parrot in Aladdin .
    Q: Oh. Who will Gilbert Gottfried portray in this chronicle of SWINE-AIDS?
    A: He will be the HIV-positive gentleman who copulates with a swine-flu-positive pig to create the first case of… SWINE-AIDS.
    Q: That sounds scientific and technical. Will the average "joe" be able to follow this epic narrative with little or no difficulty?
    A: Absolutely. The screenwriters are working closely with Sergio Simpatico to ensure both narrative clarity and all the educative girth of a college biology course. A really good college.
    Q: Who is Sergio Simpatico?
    A: Whoops! In my glee in describing the SWINE-AIDS motion picture I accidentally slipped the director's name!
    Q: Yeah, but I think you meant to slip it as part of a viral marketing campaign or something. Anyway, I thought you meant Stephen Spielberg when you said the director's initials are S.S.
    A: Spielberg? [laughter] Sure, they could have got him, but why settle for second best?
    Q: Are you somehow financially involved with this film? Explain it to me like I'm still in my mother's womb.
    A: It's just gonna be a really great film. You don't have to get snotty about it.
    Q: I've never heard of Sergio Simpatico.
    A: I am not responsible for your lack of education.
    Q: What is the standard medical treatment for SWINE-AIDS?
    A: Using the latest in microabrasion and fluorinated spongeform technologies, a trained and competent specialist can purify the oral, vaginal, and anal cavities within one to five hours.
    Q: Is treatment painful? Explain it to me like I haven't even been conceived and have only the vaguest notions about pleasure and pain.
    A: Treatment is rarely