Dr Jew

painful. Many even describe it as pleasurable.
    Q: Wow, I'm tempted to get SWINE-AIDS just to try the treatment!
    A: [laughter]
    Q: One last question.
    A: Yes?
    Q: Train A is heading to Mexico City from Anchorage at 80 miles per hour. Train B is heading to Mexico City from Havana at 1,080 miles per hour. Which train will arrive first?
    A: You really need me to solve this for you?
    Q: I'm not very good at math.
    A: Doesn't matter: It's a trick question! Nobody wants to go to Mexico right now, dummy. Remember SWINE-AIDS, the subject of this enjoyable and award-winning pamphlet? See your doctor if you're scared. God bless.

    She put the pamphlet down. "I don't understand," she said. "Are you saying I…?"
    "I 'm afraid so, madam," said Dr. Jew. "You have all the symptoms of Swine-AIDS, yes, you, right here and now, no, no, no, no, don't ask Why me, why me, why did this happen to me . No one is to blame – except Mexico – so it's best to move forward smiling in to the bold unknown with God and me on your side knowing we can beat this and how wonderful that you came to my office today of days of all days for if you had compounded just one day more the interest may have been too much for your tortured soul but don't look back in anger for life is a feast and we are here to eat."
    "But I feel fine," she said.
    "Which is why I am the doctor and you are the civilian, why one of us has braved years of isolation and parochial liturgy and sadness and mockery that the rewards may come both spiritually, financially, and physically and yet I may still be called a man, God forgive them they know not what they do, and I may delight the layman's world with healing prowess and sacred injections, and why the other is a girl barely a woman who knows when to turn to others for help and implore a guiding hand from abroad and succumb without resistance. Would you like some tea?"
    Before she could say no a cup and saucer were in front of her with a fecal-colored liquid. He looked from her to the cup and back again until she was compelled to take a sip out of politeness. It contained more flavor than was physically possible for such a minute quantity of liquid and the bittersweet taint smeared her nasal passage with rocket ship delirium.
    "What is this?" she asked.
    "Preparation," said Dr. Jew. "Wait here one little moment, I shall return and we may begin your treatment and secure your salvation and safebeing from this blemished monstrosity that grips your soul."
    "But I –"
    She was alone again, looking at the walls that seemed to emote warmth and light feelings, as though they were made of graham crackers and rainbows. Although she had only met Dr. Jew and initially found him repellent and distasteful, she realized that he was a good man, a caring doctor, as good as anyone, and better than most.
    "Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha, I 'm back," he said. "By the by, do you now feel fully informed about the facts of Swine-AIDS and prepared to undergo treatment which some have described as distasteful but most as delightful? Are you ready to purge this hateful thing from your nervous system?"
    As he had said, he was the doctor, and who was she to question his methods or personal idiosyncrasies that might mark him as odd? And besides, everything was so light and good. She was not sitting in a chair, but a bed of flesh.
    "Let us lie you down that we may begin our tactile examination and ready you for a brave new world of wellness that is the stamp and seal of our awesome treatment, yes?"
    And she was lying down and it was good. "By the by," he said, "what was your opinion of the poem contained within that little pamphlet that you surveyed so hastily?"
    "Poem?" she said.
    "Yes, yes, for surely you recall the poem about Aladdin, surely you do."
    "S 'okay, I guess," she said. And why not? Wasn't everything okay and well in the world, just as it was now?
    " 'Okay'?" said Dr. Jew. "Just… okay ?"
    "I don 't know," she slurred. "It's just… a poem. Kind of strange in the middle of a pamphlet like that."
    "Bah! L ike a stranger embrace it!"
    "What?" she said.
    "Never you mind your weary mind, for some in time have no mind to see the beauty of those words and the lush realms from whence they emanate, but we are here now and your lack of understanding is but a treacly misgiving on the road of delinquency and the canyons of the wizard who says only relax, relax, relax, and enter the hay-filled lofts of bliss that we may do our work to the utmost and best of our