Dr Jew

went back to ask him what it was but he only wanted to talk about movies and music."
    "Dr. Jew? " I said. "Where have I heard that name?"
    "That quack Johnny referred me to, remember? Gave me some stuff. Amazing. Yeah, he said he sent you a script at one point."
    Oh yes. That script. The one we passed around and laughed over for its melodramatic posturing and tacky dialogue. I knew I'd heard that name before. Dr. Jew .
    So it was with some trepidation that I found myself knocking and waiting at a door in the Richmond district. It slid open instantly and behind that ancient desk sat that man, that Dr. Jew, a creature whose filthy nature seemed anathema to everything medical. His nervous, gleeful energy sucked me toward him. I could feel his happiness on seeing me. I could see his feeble attempt to conceal his joy from me.
    "Well, look what the ca t dragged in! Mreeeeow! If it isn't Sergio Simpatico! My, my, my, my. I do declare. To what do I owe this honor? Imagine my joy as my heart goes aflutter, meeting the great director at last. You are certainly the last person I ever expected to find at my doorstep. How… eh… how goes your cinematographic endeavor? Coming along, I hope…?"
    "Oh yes, it 's doing nicely. Should have it wrapped any day now."
    "You Hollywood types!Wrapped! Ha ha ha. Yes, well, I hope to be first in line when it's released. That is – unless I was invited to an advance screening, wink wink nudge nudge, eh?"
    "I 'll look into that. After all, your help may prove invaluable. And Philip has already told me what you did for him."
    " Glassdick? Posh, 'twas nothing! I am but a humble servant. By the by, did you get the script I sent your office some time ago?"
    " Uh… yes. Yes, we did. Unfortunately we had already greenlighted my script and it was… too late to go back."
    "I see."
    "But, Dr. Jew, I'm here for your skill as a doctor. Not for me. For my wife."
    "Oh? Female troubles? Glad to take a look in the old girl. Send her round, I'll see what's up, Serge. It's okay to call you Serge, Serge?"
    "That fine. I'm afraid I won't be sending Lise here, however. You see, she's quarantined in Mexico. She has Swine-AIDS."
    "Ah, is that a fact? That old number. How super-hyper ironic since you are filming a film on the aforementioned beastie, yes? I've a bit of fascination for Swine-AIDS, so it's appropriate to find you on my doorstep with this dilemma. Wrote a little pamphlet on the disease, matter of fact. Let me get you a copy."
    "That 's not necessary. I've read up on Swine-AIDS for Lise and for the film –"
    "But this pamphlet elucidates –"
    "– can just tell me what I need to know –"
    "– so much you need to know –"
    "J ust tell me!" I said.
    I don 't know what made me burst out at him, but it was immediately awkward and quiet.
    Dr. Jew sniffed. "Okay… Serge… you don't need to read my… little pamphlet."
    Inwardly, and only inwardly, I sighed. Then I puffed myself up and did some acting.
    "Hey, why don 't you give me a copy of your Swine-AIDS pamphlet and I can read it at home?" I said.
    "Don 't toy with me, man."
    "Actually, can I get a few copies? I'll have the production staff look it over too. A doctor with your expertise might know something that we missed."
    " Really? Well, if you insist. I have them in bundles of 500. I'll give you two bundles to do with as you see fit."
    "Great," I said .
    "You 're not just humoring me?"
    "Nooooo," I said. I could always use toilet paper in the guest bathroom.
    "Thanks, Serge."
    "And about my wife –"
    "Yes, yes, yes. In Mexico, a shame… I can send her a Swine-AIDS pamphlet too, some comfort, I suppose… they have a mail system down there?"
    "Uh, y es. Of course. But I was hoping for something a little more personal than a pamphlet. An exception. This is my wife, after all. I'll do anything to help her." I almost bit my tongue as the words slipped out. Dr. Jew's eyebrows crawled up his forehead.
    "Anything?" he said. "You'll do… anything ?"
    "Well. A figure of speech really. When I say anything –"
    "You mean anything . Hm. Have to think about that."
    "Anything in reason. Anything within reason, Dr. Jew. Not anything . Let's not take things too literally. Heheh."
    "But this is his wife so I think he meant it."
    "What? " I said. "What?"
    "Hm? Oh, my lips moving? Forgive my habits. Yes, I believe I might be able to help your wife, Serge."
    "You can?"
    "I make no promises, naturally. If I had a cure for Swine-AIDS… I would… of course