Dr Jew

thing works faster than a stomach, I'll give it that. So are you happy right now?
    Obert : I'm glad to be alive. I think that's important.
    Glassdick: Sure, I guess. I mean, sure. That's what my music and art's all about. We're here, let's wake up, you know?
    Obert : Getting back to your music – what will you be up to when you finish Swine Trek ?
    Glassdick: My plans? There's always something going around in my head and… well, I mean, sometimes I find a vehicle for it and sometimes it lingers for years. I've got stuff ready. Probably not a movie soundtrack. After this I think I'll take a break on those.
    Obert : Nothing personal? Against Simpatico?
    Glassdick: Naw, man. Why you fanning the flames?
    Obert : It's just that he's who I think of when I think of you doing soundtracks. Another Nice Nazis soundtrack! [laughter]
    Glassdick : Man, if I never hear Anne Frank's name again I'll die happy. The only way I'd do a soundtrack for another one of those would be if they went back and made Anne Frank and her family into a porn film or something.
    Obert : Okay.
    Glassdick: And obviously they'd get an over-18 to play Anne. We don't need any more pedophilia issues around that series. And you say an 18-year-old Anne Frank wouldn't be believable and I say – what, you're expecting realism from these crappy movies? And porn isn't notorious for realism either, right?
    Obert : I don't watch porn.
    Glassdick: Riiiight. The film critic who's seen every piece of crap movie under the sun doesn't watch porn. Right, Alg. We'll put that on your tombstone – no, not the pizza, you slob, your real tombstone… the epitaph will say: 'Didn't watch porn.' And you can die happy and quiet.
    Obert : It's just that I don't feel much down there anymore. Gears and levers.
    Glassdick: Oh. Oh shit, I'm sorry, Alger.
    Obert : It's not something I miss if I don't think about it.
    Glassdick: That's a relief.
    Obert : But right now I find myself thinking about it.
    Glassdick: It's probably the pot.
    Obert : It feels good though, like…
    Glassdick: Yeeeeahhhhhh. Right there, yeah.
    Obert : What's your girlfriend's name?
    Glassdick: Quit probing. Don't you have a list of questions when your mind starts wandering like this?
    Obert : No, it's all internal. It's all so… amazing.
    Glassdick: Think I gave you too much. Why don't you lie down and I'll put on 2001 .
    Obert : Never heard of it.
    [ At this point I stopped the interview, hoping to resume it later, only to discover that too much time had elapsed. When I awoke, Glassdick had gone back to work and asked not to be disturbed, and I saw I had to leave for another appointment as well. I never saw Philip again – unless you count the scattering of his ashes a few weeks later, and they looked nothing like him.
    Our next opportunity to "meet" with Philip K. Glassdick will be the world premiere of Swine Trek on Christmas Day. We have great expectations. The man has departed his mortal shell, but the music shall remain, eternally looping.
    Oh, and please do not send me letters or emails b erating me for never seeing 2001 . Of course I've seen it, numerous times. It merely slipped my mind at the time of this interview. ]

XLII.

    A week after Lise Simpatico had been returned to her husband in San Francisco, completely cured of Swine-AIDS (as far as Dr. Jew was concerned), the doctor received a short handwritten letter.
    Dr. Jew.
    I don't know what you've done to her or who this woman is. I will withhold my accusations for now. I'm too busy with my film's release. But as soon as I am able, I will be at your door. Prepare yourself.
    S.S.
    And unlike others, Dr. Jew operated under no illusion that S.S. might be Steven Spielberg, as interesting as that encounter might be. And as much as he might normally enjoy the company of his dear friend Sergio – and be completely copacetic with aiding him with any disturbances, bodily or otherwise – he deemed it wise to withdraw a bit and not be immediately available when his dear amigo Serge did finally roll around. Putting on his psychologist hat (an actual hat that said "PSYCHOLOGIST" in big pink letters) he could tell that Simpatico was merely agitated by the "biz," the "industry," that's show business, babe, etc, and that he (Dr. Jew) would be best served to not be in firing range when Sergio finally splattered his stress upon the world.

XLIII.

    It o pened on Christmas Day, 2012 (a few days earlier, the Mayan calendar reset on the winter solstice proved