Fall from Love

few months ago, Josh pulls me off him. I’m breathing hard and fighting to get myself under control. Glancing around, I try to find Holly, wanting to make sure she’s okay.
    “Where is she?” I ask, turning to the side and spitting out a mouthful of blood.
    “I gave them my keys,” Josh exhales. “They’re gone, man.”
    “Fuck,” I breathe. “I didn’t want her to see that.”
    “Man, whatever brownie points you won with Jenna earlier, I think you just lost them.”
    I shake my head at his meaningless words and feel a sharp pain shoot up the right side of my head. My hand flies to the throbbing pain and I wince when I touch it.
    “Don’t worry about it, though,” Josh continues. “That asshole had it coming. I can’t believe he actually wanted to fight you again. You kicked his ass this summer. He must be an idiot for wanting another piece of you.”
    I rub my jaw and move it back and forth, glad it’s not broken, but knowing it’s going to be sore for a few days. “If you blamed someone for letting your best friend die, wouldn’t you want to kick his ass every chance you got?”
     
    ❧
     
    I’m lying down on my bed, staring at the ceiling and clenching the football in my hands. I throw it up in the air, and then catch it. I’ve been doing this for the last hour or so, over and over, maybe a couple hundred times, hoping the rhythmic motion will eventually distract the crazy shit that’s going through my head. As much as I want to forget what happened this afternoon, I can’t. I analyze what happened, play-by-play, and try to tell myself that I did the right thing, that it was the only thing to do.
    A few weeks after the accident, I had gone on a drinking binge, trying to drown out the memories from that night and all the other depressing crap in my head. Josh had always stayed sober just to make sure I didn’t do anything stupid. One night, we decided to go to a party near campus and Travis was there, even more drunk than me. I had no idea that he was Adam’s best friend until he started going on a rampage and blubbering about how I screwed up that night... that if I had just tried harder, his best friend would still be here.
    Even though I probably had close to a twelve pack all by myself, I sobered up pretty quick after his comments. Josh tried to get me to leave, but I refused and spent the rest of the night drowning my sorrows with any alcohol I could find. I never wanted to fight Travis; I actually spent most of the night trying to avoid him. However, every time I turned around, he was right there, trying to instigate a fight. I understood his anger and I could see why he wanted to fight me. I understood wanting to get rid of the pain. I understood wanting someone else to hurt as bad as you.
    It was a few hours later, and a few more drinks down, when I started to get angry every time I saw him and he wouldn’t keep his mouth shut.
    When he told me that it should’ve been me that died up there and not Adam, I unleashed on him. He had no idea the guilt I was already living with... the feeling of knowing that I should’ve been more careful... that maybe I could’ve done something... the simple fact that Adam shouldn’t have even been up there in the first place.
    Travis didn’t even get a punch in before I had him on the ground and was beating him into oblivion. It took Josh and some guy I didn’t even know to pull me off him. I’m glad they were there because I don’t think I would’ve stopped otherwise.
    Looking back on it now, I regret even going to that party; I regret ever drinking a drop of alcohol that night. With all that I had been through, there was so much rage and guilt built up inside me. Not only from what happened that night on the mountain, but the events leading up to that night. It had been years of tragedy and loss for me, as well as my family. Unfortunately for Travis, I took my anger out on him.
    The next day, I swore off alcohol, blaming the booze for making me act the way I did. This afternoon, though, it wasn’t the alcohol. Holly’s horrified face and the way she cowered when Travis spoke to her is what really set me off. Sure, he was drunk, but he still shouldn’t have talked to her like that. I don’t really know the guy, but you have to be an asshole to talk to a girl like that... especially one that used to be your best friend’s girl.
    I throw the football up in the air once more and catch it; clenching it so tight, it feels like it’s