Fear of Falling

“I’m so sorry, Kam. Fuck! I am so fucking sorry.”
    Her small, delicate hand grasped the taut tendons in my forearm, squeezing away the rage coursing through my veins. “Hey…don’t be. It’s not your fault. I’m sorry for ruining the mood. I feel like such a jackass. You had something planned, and here I am being Debbie Downer again with all my bullshit.”
    Glass and steel enclosed the heat of our combined tension as I sucked in a breath through clenched teeth. Beyond being pissed, I hurt for her. This girl had lived through so much, yet here she was, trying to soothe me . I wanted to pull over on the damn freeway, pull her into my lap, and kiss her senseless. Kiss away the anger, kiss away the pain. Kiss every part of her that that bastard had ever touched.
    “Can we just drop it?” she asked in a small voice, prompting me to cover her hand with mine. “I don’t want to ruin this day. I know you planned something special, and I just want to enjoy it.”
    I brushed her knuckles with my lips before nodding. “Yeah, babe, that sounds good. Because we’re here.”
    The moment I pulled into the gravel pathway, Kami’s eyes grew twice in size and her jaw dropped. Although my attention was on maneuvering through the tall trees on either side of us, I could feel her confused glare burning into the side of my head.
    “Here? Why would you bring me back here ?” she shrieked.
    I pulled into a parking space facing Lake Norman and killed the engine before turning to her, ready for the onslaught. “Because I don’t want your last memory of this place to be a negative one.”
    She cringed as if being here physically pained her, making me feel like a total ass for thinking this was a good idea. Having Taylor perform for her had proven to be a great idea, so I assumed that theory would work here as well. Well, you know what they say when you assume…
    “Just try, ok? If you don’t want to go in, we won’t. But at least let me try to make this better for you.”
    She narrowed her eyes, the small space between her brows crinkling with question. “Why?”
    “Why?”
    “Yeah. Why do you want to make things better for me?”
    Releasing her from her seatbelt, I pulled Kami’s body close to mine. “Because you deserve it. Because there is nothing on Earth more beautiful than seeing you smile.”
    And because I love you.
    Whoa. What?
    As if hearing my internal confession, Kami’s lips spread into a knowing smile before connecting with mine for a swift kiss. “Ok, Blaine Jacobs. I’m all yours.”
    Thirty minutes later, we had devoured the lunch I had packed and were laying side by side on a blanket, watching a group of kids splashing around a few yards away. Kami looked at them intently, small smiles twitching her lips and silent chuckles shaking her shoulders. I couldn’t help but be taken by her fascination.
    “You want kids?” I heard myself ask before good manners stopped me.
    Kami shrugged without taking her eyes off the children. “Would be nice, but I more than likely won’t.”
    “Why not?”
    She shuffled her bare feet against the sand and dropped her gaze. “Having children isn’t really ideal for someone like me.”
    “Someone like you?”
    Kami sighed heavily. “In my condition. My… sickness. My fears.” She turned so I could glimpse the severity in her expression. “We are all products of our pasts, Blaine. My father was a disgusting prick because his father was. Who’s to say that I won’t turn out just as bad? And I don’t know how to be a mother. My own mom was too broken to be one. I know she loved me, I truly do. But I can’t remember her telling me. And because of that, I can’t picture saying those words. Ever.”
    I tried to digest the bitter pill of her words without letting it show on my face. But I had never been good at masking my emotions, especially when it came to Kami.
    “Kinda fucked up, huh?” she smiled, though I could feel the painful undertone in her words.
    “Well…yeah. But you’re not fucked up. Not at all.”
    She shrugged, then looked back at the boisterous children. “What about you? Kids?”
    I looked away before I grimaced as the memory of Amanda’s swollen belly came barging into the forefront of my mind. A belly that was swollen with another man’s child.
    Though she admitted to being unfaithful, it wasn’t until months after the discovery of her pregnancy. She led me on to believe that I was about to be a father, filling me with pride