Fear of Falling

But he would let it go. For now. He always did.
    “Ok, Fatty, let’s get you fed.” He pinched the sliver of exposed skin where my jeans hugged my hipbones. I rolled my eyes. If it were up to him, I’d be a good 15 pounds heavier. I still hadn’t put on the weight I had dropped after the last incident.
    “I really wish you’d talk to me,” he said quietly. “I don’t like this, Kam. I don’t want you suffering in silence.” A quick flash of hurt played on his features. But that was all he would give me. He was just as emotionally blocked as I was.
    “I know you want me to open up. And I will. One day.” I tugged at a lock of hair nervously, trying to pull the words from my lips. “It’s just… It was just a name, Dom.”
    Before I could explain, his eyes had widened with alarm, and he was pulling me closer to his body protectively. “What happened? Did he find you? Has he made contact? Tell me what happened, Kam.”
    I shook my head furiously, hoping to dispel his alarm. “No, nothing like that. A new name.” I tried to give him the most confident smile I owned, which was pretty damn pathetic to his trained eye. “It’s not what you think. And it’s not really the person I fear. It’s me. It’s my reaction to him. It’s the pure adrenaline that courses through my veins whenever we’re near. It’s the excitement I feel when he says my name. It’s the way his eyes penetrate the front I put on for the world to see me for what I am. And I hate it. It scares the shit out of me because I like it too.”
    I would have sworn that a family of flies could have camped out in Dom’s mouth that hung ajar for a good 30 seconds after my confession.
    “You met a guy ? And you’re afraid of him?”
    “No,” I said shaking my head. “I’m afraid because, whenever he’s around, I’m not scared anymore. I feel…safe. Like being near him is the most natural thing in the world.”
    Dominic shook his head as if he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. I couldn’t blame him. I couldn’t believe I was actually saying the words aloud.
    “And I assume you won’t be sharing the name of this mystery man that is so damn scary, yet somehow so damn appealing? I’ll even up the ante with champagne,” he winked.
    I grinned at my little secret and shook my head. I wasn’t ready to say. Not because I was afraid to tell him in fear of judgment. And not because I thought he’d disapprove. But if what Dom said was true about revealing my fears—if saying it out loud somehow made this feeling less real, then I don’t think I could ever be ready.
    For the first time in twenty-three years, I felt something. Something other than trepidation when a man touched me. Something more than the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I had to shatter another heart because I couldn’t let anyone in. Something so much more than the emptiness that filled my chest when I thought about the normal, happy life that I would never have.
    Blaine was my more .

After spending another day shift with Blaine, I was ready to brave the Friday night crowd at Dive. I wasn’t worried; bartending was one of the few things that didn’t make me nervous. It was fast-paced, lively, and you could be whoever you wanted to be. I could flirt and laugh without reservation. I could be a total bitch if a patron got too ass-grabby. I could exude complete confidence and self-assurance. I could be fearless.
    Tonight, the girls of AngelDust would be in attendance for their live audition. If anything, I was more nervous for them. Sure, they were amazingly talented, but after seeing who they would be up against, my stomach clenched and roiled into a dozen tiny knots.
    All that was erased the moment I saw his face, his mouth rolling his studded tongue in concentration as he filled an order. I tried to focus on filling the beer mug in my hand without collecting too much foam, yet every few seconds, my gaze swept to him. And every glance ignited a jolt in me, making that damn Asian flush creep onto my cheeks.
    “What’s that look for?” Blaine asked, suddenly beside me. Oddly, the nearness of him didn’t make me feel uncomfortable. I only felt…heat.
    I finished up my order of beers and slid them to the customers with a smile. “What look?” I asked innocently, simultaneously taking another order while he worked on filling a tray of shots beside me.
    “The look that says you’re secretly undressing me with your eyes,” he answered without