Fear of Falling

something so bad but feeling too afraid to admit it. About fighting against fear and denial and letting in the unknown. The song swelled and flourished, the picture behind my closed eyelids becoming brighter and clearer. Hums turned into lyrics and the tune took on a life of its own, only using me as the vessel. And once it began to climax, the anticipation building deliciously, the picture came into focus, and I nearly broke into a sob.
    Blaine. All I could see was Blaine. He was the muse for every song, every painting, every dream. He occupied my deepest, most intimate desires, and hindered my past pains from consuming me with his touch.
    It had always been Blaine. I just wasn’t ready to see it.

    I wasn’t sure what I would tell him, but I knew it was time. I couldn’t keep fighting what my soul so desperately needed. Him. His presence, his smile, his words. They were all necessary. It was the thought of not having those things that sent me into a panic. It was even stronger than the anxiety I felt at the decision to let him in.
    But of course, life had different plans. It always did. It never stuck to the script that you had rehearsed in your head a dozen times. It didn’t give a shit about crushing your expectations, causing you to second guess what you were so certain about just moments ago.
    We had been at work for a couple hours when life decided to remind me just what a bitch it could be. Things had been better since Thursday. Pleasant. Blaine insisted I take Friday off after my meltdown, and I was too humiliated to argue with him. It’s not that he made me feel embarrassed for losing it behind the bar. It was the total opposite, actually. He was sweet, gentle, patient. He was exactly what I needed. What I wanted.
    AngelDust had just kicked off their set with one of their newer up-tempo songs, when Kenneth approached the bar with some of his buddies. I was shaking my hips as I flitted behind the bar, serving customers with an easy smile, as I sang along to the provocative tune. The moment his eyes locked with mine, I froze, nearly sending the highball glass in my hand crashing to the ground. Kenneth looked just as surprised before his mouth turned up into a smug smile.
    “So I see you landed on your feet, Kamilla,” he said coolly. He refused to call me Kami, no matter how many times I corrected him.
    “Yeah,” I rasped, my throat tight. My heart was hammering in my chest, and I was certain he could see it through my thin, snug tee.
    “I have to say, I’m disappointed. A woman with your…skill set, working at a bar? Hmph.”
    I was furious. At him for being such a pretentious prick, and at myself for choosing not to see that he had always been one. Kenneth Walters was a partner at one of the most successful law firms in Charlotte. His father started the firm from the ground up decades ago, and their family was known as modern day royalty.
    When a temp agency had assigned me to his office, I had hoped to reevaluate my life goals. Once upon a time, I wanted to pursue a career in law. I had majored in criminal justice and had hoped to focus on family law. But as the saying goes, “The best laid plans of mice and men often go astray.” Robert Burns got the memo on just how shitty life could be.
    I shook off the shock of seeing him and gave Kenneth a hard glare. “My skill set? I answered phones and fetched your coffee, Kenneth. There’s nothing to be disappointed about. I actually like it here.”
    “That’s cute,” he scoffed. “But if you change your mind about your future, you know I can find a place for you at the firm. Just say the word. I’m serious, Kamilla; you don’t have to slum it at some rundown bar just to avoid me.”
    “Who’s slumming it?” a smooth as silk masculine voice said from behind me. With the tension swirling between Kenneth and I like noxious gas, I hadn’t even felt him approach. Usually the lower regions of my body knew he was near before my head did.
    Another smug smile played on Kenneth’s lips. “Well, if it isn’t Blaine Jacobs. I see not much has changed since high school. Still working at the family bar?”
    “What are you doing here, Walters?” Blaine nearly growled, his jaw tight with visible anger. He was not a Kenneth fan.
    He shrugged. “I heard the hottest band in town played here on the weekends. Me and the guys thought we’d check it out. I didn’t know the staff was just as enticing,” he said pinning me with his dusky blue eyes. I