Fear of Falling

figure this shit out on my own.”
    With my hands wrung tight in front of me, I stepped back into the living room. “You don’t know what you’re asking for, Blaine. You don’t want this.”
    “Don’t tell me what I don’t want just to get out of talking. What are you so afraid of?”
    Every tortured emotion that had been bottled up for the past month came rushing to the surface, bursting out of me like a violent volcano.
    “Everything!” I screamed, tears streaming down my hot cheeks. “Everything! I am fucking afraid of everything, Blaine! Don’t you see that? Don’t you see why you shouldn’t be with me? I am twenty-three years old, and I’m scared of the dark! Or how about this—I can’t even close the fucking bathroom door. Do you realize how embarrassing that is? And let’s not forget about the best part…how I can’t even step foot into a body of water. That’s what you want to hear, right? You want to fix the broken girl. You want to make me a little pet project so you can feel better about yourself. Well, newsflash… I can’t be fixed. This is me . I’ll never be what you want, Blaine.”
    Blaine was stunned into silence for long moments before he took a step towards me, his expression unreadable. “Why?”
    Huh? What was he asking me? I glared at him through wet lashes and smeared mascara.
    “Why?” he repeated.
    “Why?” I snorted turning away from him. “Life happens. This is life, Blaine. And I don’t care what you say. That shit isn’t always beautiful. It’s ugly. And hurtful. And abusive.” I tried to wipe my leaking eyes, but the dam had broken. I couldn’t stop. If he wanted to know me, then he would. He would see the loathing that festered inside me. And when he realized just how scarred I was, he’d do what any sane man would do. He’d walk away.
    “Life is cruel and evil, Blaine. There’s nothing pretty about being beaten repeatedly for no apparent reason other than existing. There’s no joy in being locked in a closet in the dark for hours on end while being taunted. There’s no happiness in being called every vile name you could imagine before you’re too young to even know what they mean.” My voice broke, quieting my tirade into a hoarse whisper. “There’s no beauty in being tortured and hated by the one man that was supposed to love you the most.”
    He was in front of me before I could collect my bearings, brushing away my tears with the pads of his thumbs. “Your father did this to you?” he whispered.
    I looked up at him through watery eyes, and could clearly see the compassion etched in his face. “Now do you see why you don’t want me? The real me? My own father despised me from the day I was born. And my mother was so messed up herself that she forgot I existed. She forgot to love me. I live in a world of constant fear where monsters exist, and there are no happily-ever-afters. Only pain. And sorrow. Hatred. You don’t deserve that.”
    “And neither do you,” he uttered with a wavering voice. He pulled me into his hard chest and squeezed out another fresh wave of tears as he stroked my hair. “Neither do you, baby.”
    “Blaine, please don’t do this. Please don’t be nice to me. Please don’t act like you want me when you don’t. It’s ok; I’m used to it.”
    “Dammit, Kami,” he growled pulling me from his chest and grasping my shoulders. “Stop trying to push me away. Stop trying to make me not want you. Because guess what? I care about you. And I do want you. So fucking bad.”
    Before my mind could dissuade my heart, I looked into his brown eyes and let myself free fall into him. “Show me.”
    Blaine’s hungry mouth captured mine as he pulled my body up into a kiss that shattered all other kisses. We were a mosaic of lips, tongues and teeth, drinking in each other’s agony. I wanted to kiss away his guilt and pain. He wanted to swallow my fear and loathing. And, as my legs wrapped around his waist, the hardness of him pressing into my heat, I let him. I let him because I wanted to be better for him. I wanted to give myself to him freely without worry or hesitation. I wanted Blaine to take it all away.
    Our mouths still fused together and moving furiously, Blaine carried me to the staircase. With one hand fisted in my hair, the other grasping my backside, he walked us to his bedroom with ease. I didn’t even know we were there until he laid me down on his bed, settling on top of me. When his lips abandoned me, I