Find You in the Dark

day, things seemed a lot less simple and more like a big ol' mess. I didn't respond to his statement. Not sure I could agree with his rosy- colored view of the future. “Why don't we just stay here a day or two. We have enough money for that and then we can figure things out.” Clay said, taking my hand in his.
    A day or two seemed okay. Maybe just some time to relax and put things in perspective is what Clay needed to make a sensible decision. I could give him that. “Okay.” I agreed, snuggling into his side. Clay wrapped his arms around me and kissed the top of my head.
    “This is all I need, Mags. Just you and me, together.” He murmured as I listened to the sound of his heart beat under my ear. He made it sound so perfect. But I knew the life we were creating for ourselves was anything but.

    “Did you bring your medication, Clay?” I asked after I woke up from our afternoon nap. Clay stiffened for a minute before pulling away. He got off of the bed and walked into the bathroom. I followed him and watched him from the door way as he filled a cup with water and took a drink.
    “You didn't bring them, did you.” I stated instead of asking. Clay gave me his best charming smile. “I'll be fine without them. I haven't really been taking them for awhile anyway. You'll see. Now that we're away from all that stress, it won't be like it was before. I promise.” I couldn’t believe he had been lying to me for weeks. I thought he had still been taking the lithium. His crazy behavior started to make more sense.
    “What's awhile?” I asked him. Clay frowned. “I don't know. Since early November, I guess. Don't worry about it.” Early November!!! I know my mouth hung open. I couldn't believe he had been so sneaky about it.
    I felt like such a fool. Here, I had been trying to rationalize everything, thinking he was just jealous, or under a lot of stress. But no, it was because he hadn't been doing what he needed to do to regulate himself- to take care of himself. I wanted to punch him, or scream at him. But I knew that would just make it worse.
    Damn it! Rachel was right. I couldn't do this. I needed to get Clay back to Davidson. This was a tightrope walk, and I knew it was just a matter of time before he fell off and he took me with him. My face must have paled because Clay grabbed me by my upper arms.
    “Stop it, Maggie! Don't start worrying about me. I will be all right. Things will be perfect. Just how we wanted them to be. I don't need those stupid pills as long as I have you.” His words chilled me. He really did seem to believe that.
    When had I become his new medication? And when had I started enabling him? I loved Clay so much, but this was not right. He couldn't replace his medication with me and think things would be okay. He was seriously deluding himself.
    “Clay, you need your meds.” I whispered, trying to hide how appalled I was at his lack of responsibility and maturity. Clay's face darkened. “Don't start with me, Maggie. I told you, I'm fine.” He brushed past me into the room.
    I had to figure something out. But I wasn't sure how I could convince Clay to go back home. He was certain that being away from Davidson and his parents would make everything okay. He was so, so wrong.
    “I'm scared for you.” I said, watching him as he pulled a new shirt out of his bag and put it on. Clay's shoulders tensed. “Well, don't be. You're over thinking things again.” He said flippantly. I wanted to be angry with him for putting us in this position. For doing this to himself. But I caught a glimpse at the healing cuts on his chest and arms as he pulled his shirt over his head and I just felt sad. I wanted him to be happy and healthy. Maybe I could just give him the few days he asked for. And then convince him to go home. He would listen to me, right? I mean, he loved me.
    I went up behind him and put my arms around his chest and buried my face into his back, breathing in his amazing smell. “I love you. You know that?” I stated. Clay turned in my arms and held me. “Of course I know that, Mags. I love you too.” I reached up on my tip toes and locked my mouth to his. The taste of him causing the same butterflies in my stomach it always did.
    Clay broke the kiss and grinned at me. “Let's get out of this depressing room. I want to take you out to dinner. A proper date.” I laughed at the giddiness in his voice. “A date, huh?” I raised my eyebrows at him. “Yeah. Let's go paint the