Find You in the Dark

swings.” Maria volunteered, looking at Lydia and Matt, the other counselor, for approval.
    They each nodded. “Good. And how did you feel then?” Matt urged. Maria smiled a bit. “It felt good. Like she...I don't know...loved me.” The smile on her face was sad and my heart hurt for her. I understood her need to feel loved by her mother all too well.
    There was some more processing and then a period of silence while everyone allowed Maria time to get herself together. Then it was my turn. Matt looked at me expectantly. “Clay. What about you? What is a happy memory you have about your parents?” The group looked at me expectantly, waiting for my answer. Over the last two and a half months, this disclosure thing had proven difficult for me.
    I was not a person that revealed personal details very easily. It had taken Maggie, the person I loved most in this world, a long time to get me to open up. And if it was hard for me to talk to Maggie, then it was like pulling teeth to get me to open up to a group of strangers.
    But over time, after lots of individual and group therapy sessions, I found myself able to loosen up and talk more about what I had experienced. The things I felt, my fears, my pain, and what I wanted most in my life. And I found that the more I talked, the better I felt.
    I began to recognize that these people weren't here to judge me or make me feel bad when I talked about wanting to kill myself or how hard it was for me not to cut. They didn't look at me like I was crazy when I would break down after a particularly gut- wrenching session. This was the most support I had felt from anyone, other than Maggie, and Ruby and Lisa, in my entire life.
    And it felt unbelievable.
    So, with all eyes on me, I thought really about my answer to Matt's question. And then, just like that I had it. A memory that was actually good and not tainted by anger and bitterness. “My dad taking me fishing.” Lydia smiled at me. “Yeah. It was before things got really bad. My dad wasn't the district attorney yet, so he had more time for me. He picked me up from school early one day and drove us out to a lake. I can't really remember where. Anyway, we spent all day fishing and talking. It was nice.”
    I found myself smiling as I remembered a time I could be with my dad without wanting to rip his face off. Matt nodded. “That sounds awesome, Clay. Thanks for sharing that with us.” And he was moving on to the next person.
    The memory of that time with my dad made me feel pretty good. I was feeling that way a lot more lately. Less of the crazy depression and anger, and more of the happy- go- lucky thing that I never thought I was capable of experiencing.
    I'm sure it had a lot to do with my new medication. After I came to the Grayson Center, my new doctor, Doctor Todd as we kids called him, put me on a new pill. One that helped control my mood swings without turning me into a zombie.
    It was pretty great. And even though I had moments where I strangely missed those energetic highs, which Doctor Todd told me was normal, I sure as hell didn't miss the crippling lows. The psychotherapy that I attended three times a week was also helping a lot. It was nice to not have to worry about hurting myself or someone else. To think that maybe I would be able to get my shit together and find a way back to where I belonged.
    With Maggie.
    I shook my head. I couldn't think about her here in group. That was something I saved for when I was alone. Because if I started thinking of her now, I would invariably start thinking about how much I hurt her and how I fucked things up so royally. And then my feel- good mood would evaporate in a flash. Snap. Just like that.
    I must have zoned out for awhile, because I suddenly realized that the other kids were getting to their feet. Maria grinned at me. “Earth to Clay!” She reached for my hand to help me up. I looked at her a moment as I got to my feet. Maria had a nice smile and really pretty eyes. But she wasn't Maggie. I dropped her hand quickly. I tried to pretend that I didn't see the disappointment flash across her face. We walked together out of the common room and headed down the hallway to the cafeteria. “That was pretty tough today.” Maria said as we joined up with the others, who were getting in line for lunch.
    I nodded. “Yeah. It's kinda hard finding something nice to say about my parents. You know, considering they're a bunch of self-absorbed asses.” I joked, picking up a