Find You in the Dark

hospital. I determined that I must go on, move forward, live my life, and be as happy as I was capable of without him. Despite how daunting and impossible the task seemed.
    I caught sight of the mail truck as it skidded to a stop in front of the house. I don't know why it made me pause, but it did. I walked out to meet the mail man. “Here, I'll get that.” I said, forcing a smile and taking the pile of envelopes. “Drive safely.” I told him as he got back in his truck. He thanked me and left.
    My hands began to shake as I sorted through the stack of bills and junk mail. My reaction was always the same when the mail arrived. I always wished, actually yearned, for just once be a letter addressed to me. I hated that I repeatedly go my hopes up, but I did anyway.
    But this time, I found what I was looking for. There at the bottom of the pile was a small envelope. Pulling it out, my heart stuttered at the sight of my name written in a familiar, sloping hand. Funny how just the sight of his handwriting had the power to shred my guts.
    Standing there, with snow up to my ankles, I didn't know what to do. Part of me wanted to rip the letter to pieces, frightened by the crippling pain that would inevitably accompany his words. But that was such a small part of the hurricane of emotions I was feeling that I hastily shoved it away. Of course I would read it. I had to. I felt compelled to, never mind the emotional wreckage it could create. It wasn't really even an option. I most definitely would read it. Just not right now.
    I folded up the letter and put it in my jean pocket and went about the rest of my day, even as the envelope weighed me down like a stone around my neck.
    I spent the rest of the morning channel surfing, enjoying the snow day. Rachel and Daniel trekked over in the afternoon and Rachel insisted on giving me a hair cut. Normally I wouldn't let scissors anywhere near me, but with Clay's words deep in my pocket, I felt a sudden overwhelming need for change. Daniel flopped down on my bed and leafed through a magazine as Rachel snipped and layered and snipped some more. “I can't believe you read this junk.” Daniel snorted. Rachel held my head straight as I tried to see the article he was reading on how to get a boy to notice you. “If you don't want to have to buzz your head later, hold still.” I immediately sat up straight.
    When Rachel was finished she held up a mirror. “So, whatcha think?” She asked. I turned my head side to side and grinned. She had done an awesome job. My normally long brown hair had been chopped off above my shoulders. Rachel had given me chunky layers around my face and it looked amazingly sleek and stylish. I fluffed it. “You have a gift, my friend.” I complimented, very pleased with the end result. Daniel looked up and gave me a low whistle. “You look hot, Mags.” Rachel and I grinned.
    “So Maggie...” Daniel began. I was instantly suspicious, because he never used my full name. I looked at him archly. “Yes.” I prompted. “I was talking to Jake Fitzpatrick the other day and he was asking about you.” I looked away from my best friend. I knew he was trying to be helpful, wanting me to move on with my life. Attempting to re-acclimate me to the life I had led before Clay had appeared in it. But Jake Fitzpatrick, actually any guy, didn't have a chance as long as Clay still held my heart.
    “Don't think so, Danny.” I said lightly, trying to hide the misery the thought of dating other guys created. “Jake's hot. I mean, what would it hurt to go out on a date with him? We could all go together if that would make it easier. It's not as though you're cheating. I mean...you know, I don't think Clay's...ummm...well...you know.” Rachel didn't finish her thought, letting her sentence trail off into what became an awkward silence.
    Her well-intentioned encouragement made me snap and I flushed with anger. “Well, I can't do that okay. I love Clay and it wouldn't be right. So just drop it please.” I told them shortly. I didn't miss the look that passed between the two. And the subject was dropped.
    Daniel and Rachel didn't stay much longer and sadly, I was relieved when they left. Trying to put on my happy face was proving difficult today. Not when I was just waiting to read Clay's letter.
    Finally, after dinner, I excused myself and went to my room. My parents didn't question it, as this had become my normal routine. I closed the door behind me and sat on my bed.