Foreverland Is Dead

sleep came in bite-sized pieces.
    Now she dozes in and out to the lullabies of trucks and generators, wondering how far she can go in an ATV with a full tank of gas. There’s a bag of clothes under her bed that Linda doesn’t know about. Cyn has an urge to escape, to get away from people before they discover her secret. She keeps her memories tightly sealed, away from Linda’s prying questions. There are more secrets inside her, and she’d be fine if they stayed hidden from her. She’s had enough of the truth; she just wants some peace. If they’re thinking of sending her home, then she’ll have to steal a fully loaded ATV.
    Home.
    That word is supposed to feel warm and fuzzy. To Cyn, it feels like drowning. She doesn’t have many memories of home. There are giant puddles of ink on the fabric of her mind, blotting memories out of existence, keeping much of what’s inside her hidden. Maybe those ink spots were there before the old women punched her with the needle.
    Doesn’t matter. She’s not going home. She’s not going anywhere before she fixes things.
    Cyn sits up slowly. She looks around the curtain just to make sure the tent’s empty. There’s a mirror under Linda’s bed; she saw her fussing with it the other day. She finds it in a plastic bag. It fits in the palm of her hand.
    Her forehead looks normal except for the tiny black hole. It’s still sore, but at least it’s not red and swollen. She can’t move her head too quickly or it throbs. She frames the hole with two fingers, tender to the touch. The stent is a tiny knot embedded in her skull.
    A going away gift.
    Her green eyes are sunk inside the sockets. She pulls at her blonde hair, barely finger-length. She touches her reflection.
    Wash the dream just another layer of reality in the mirror that I’ve peeled away? Is this just another dream inside a dream? Is there another layer of reality below this? Will I wake up and realize that this, right here, right now, is a dream, too?
    How many layers are there?
    “It’ll go away.”
    Cyn drops the mirror. Linda is holding the curtain back.
    “Feeling rested?”
    Cyn doesn’t answer, wants to hide the mirror under her foot. Feels stupid for getting caught gazing at her reflection. It’s not why she was looking in the mirror.
    “I’ll let you get dressed.”
    Cyn’s sitting there in panties and a tank top, no bra.
    “You hungry?” Linda calls from the other side while rummaging through stuff. “I saved you breakfast in the mess tent. If you’re not feeling up to it, there’s a can of Ensure in the cooler. Make sure you drink that. The doctor wants to see you this morning. If you’re not eating, they’re going to put an IV in your— crap !”
    She drops something. A number of things get stacked. A drawer shuts. Linda mutters to herself.
    “I’ve got a meeting in a few minutes, but I want us to go for a little hike across the meadow today, get a little fresh air. What do you say?”
    The curtain pulls back.
    Cyn hasn’t moved. Still half-naked. “Hike sounds good.”
    “You all right?” Linda sits on her bed across from her. “You want to talk?”
    “No. Just waking up.”
    She puts up her best smile. The smile sucks, but it’s good by her standards. Linda hesitates, but she buys it. She knows things aren’t easy. Cyn’s tough. Right now she’s just hanging in there.
    Linda has no idea what Cyn’s thinking.
    “Breakfast, then?” Linda asks.
    “I’ll get it.”
    Linda pauses, looks inside her. She can’t see the thoughts, but she’s satisfied enough to stand. She reaches for the curtain.
    “How much time do you think has passed in there?” Cyn asks. “It’s been a week since I got out—how long do you think it’s been inside the dream? A month?”
    “We don’t know. Why?”
    “Just wondering.” She stares into space.
    Again, Linda tries to look inside her. She waits to hear more. She’s not leaving until Cyn spills a thought or two.
    “They could be dead,” Cyn says.
    “We don’t know that.”
    “I left them.”
    “It’s not your fault.”
    Cyn shakes her head. She’s thinking. There are thoughts she wants to spit out. But if she does, Linda will know what she’s thinking. She can’t have that. She bites down, swallows the words.
    “Hey.” Linda sits on the bed. “You sure you’re all right?”
    Cyn focuses on her. Fakes another smile. “Just a dream I had last night, that’s all.”
    “The gray?”
    “No. It’s nothing. I’ll get