Friend of My Youth

be going that afternoon, but her expedition can’t be an absolutely necessary one—that would be calling too much attention to it—so there’s the chance, always, that something will come up to make Cornelius say, “Can’t you put that off till later in the week? Can’t you do it some other day?” It’s not so much that she wouldn’t then be able to get in touch with Neil that bothers her. Neil would wait an hour or so, then figure out what had happened. It’s that she thinks shecouldn’t bear it. To be so close, then have to do without. Yet she doesn’t feel any physical craving during those last torturing hours; even her secret preparations—her washing, shaving, oiling, and perfuming—don’t arouse her. She stays numb, harassed by details, lies, arrangements, until the moment when she actually sees Neil’s car. The fear that she won’t be able to get away is succeeded, during the fifteen-minute drive, by the fear that he won’t show up, in that lonely, dead-end spot in the swamp which is their meeting place. What she’s looking forward to, during those last hours, gets to be less of a physical thing—so that missing it would be like missing not a meal you’re hungry for but a ceremony on which your life or salvation depended.
    By the time Neil was an older teenager—but not old enough to get into bars, still hanging around at the Five Points Confectionery (the Croatians kept the old name for it)—the change had arrived, which everybody who was alive then remembers. (That’s what Neil thinks, but Brenda says, “I don’t know—as far as I was concerned, all that was just sort of going on someplace else.”) Nobody knew what to do about it, nobody was prepared. Some schools were strict about long hair (on boys), some thought it best to let that go and concentrate on serious things. Just hold it back with an elastic band was all they asked. And what about clothes? Chains and seed beads, rope sandals, Indian cotton, African patterns, everything all of a sudden soft and loose and bright. In Victoria the change may not have been contained so well as in some other places. It spilled over. Maybe the climate softened people up, not just young people. There was a big burst of paper flowers and marijuana fumes and music (the stuff that seemed so wild then, Neil says, and seems so tame now), and that music rolling out of downtown windows hung with dishonored flags, over the flower beds in Beacon Hill Park to the yellow broom on the sea cliffs to the happy beaches looking over at the magic peaks of the Olympics. Everybody was in on the act.University professors wandered around with flowers behind their ears, and people’s mothers turned up in those outfits. Neil and his friends had contempt for these people, naturally—these hip oldsters, toe-dippers. Neil and his friends took the world of drugs and music seriously.
    When they wanted to do drugs, they went outside the Confectionery. Sometimes they went as far as the cemetery and sat on the seawall. Sometimes they sat beside the shed that was in back of the store. They couldn’t go in; the shed was locked. Then they went back inside the Confectionery and drank Cokes and ate hamburgers and cheeseburgers and cinnamon buns and cakes, because they got very hungry. They leaned back on their chairs and watched the patterns move on the old pressed-tin ceiling, which the Croatians had painted white. Flowers, towers, birds, and monsters detached themselves, swam overhead.
    “What were you taking?” Brenda says.
    “Pretty good stuff, unless we got sold something rotten. Hash, acid, mescaline sometimes. Combinations sometimes Nothing too serious.”
    “All I ever did was smoke about a third of a joint on the beach when at first I wasn’t even sure what it was, and when I got home my father slapped my face.”
    (That’s not the truth. It was Cornelius. Cornelius slapped her face. It was before they were married, when Cornelius was working nights in the mine and she would sit around on the beach after dark with some friends of her own age. Next day she told him, and he slapped her face.)
    All they did in the Confectionery was eat, and moon around, happily stoned, and play stupid games, such as racing toy cars along the tabletops. Once, a guy lay down on the floor and they squirted ketchup at him. Nobody cared. The daytime customers—the housewives buying bakery goods and the pensioners killing time with a coffee—never came in at night. The mother and