From Here to Paternity

down.“
    One of the men said, “That’s the one thing I’m afraid I know how to do! Har, har!“
    Gavin’s expression was the strained smile of a man who had heard this hilarious line too many times to count. “With respect, sir, you probably don’t.“
    Then, to the whole group: “Until you learn a bit about skiing, you’ll probably go out of control a couple times and at first you won’t be able to regain control, so you need to know how to stop. The first way to stop, if you’re not going very fast and are just a little wobbly, is to toe-in.“ He demonstrated. “This looks like it will just run your skis across each other, so you also want to ankle-in so you’re digging into the surface. Remember that: toe-in, ankle-in.“
    They all nodded and tried to ankle-in wearing boots that felt like they were made from discarded iron frying pans.
    “Now, I’m going to go up the hill just a little ways and demonstrate. And while I’m doing that, I’m going to show you the two ways of going uphill. You’re in position for the first way.“ They were all standing in a line with their skis parallel to the slope. “You just step sideways. Try a step or two.“
    Gingerly, Jane took a tiny step up the hill with her right foot, then followed with her left. Ah, not so hard, she was thinking. She was ready to try another step when the man at the front of their little line started to lose his balance. He leaned forward. Pitched backward. Forward again. And backward as if he’d been pushed. He crashed into Shelley, who crashed into Jane, who crashed into the woman behind her. Amid shrieks and startled yelps, they all went down like a row of dominoes. Skis and poles flew everywhere.
    “We look like a bus accident in the Alps,“ Jane said, laughing and spitting out a mouthful of snow. The rest of the accident victims thought it was very jolly, too.
    Gavin, on the other hand, stood looking to heaven as if pleading with God to take them all now and put him out of his misery.
    “Anybody hurt?“ he finally asked grimly. He sounded as if he sincerely hoped so.
    Giggling like children and making inane jokes about snow being soft, they managed to get back on their feet. After some delay, all the poles and skis were sorted out and put back on. Gavin, his professionally perky demeanor restored, went back to his lecture. “Maybe I should have told you first about the other way of falling down. It would have saved us this mess. If you’re completely out of control or fear you’re going to be, just sit down. Don’t lean forward. Don’t try to get your balance back. Don’t reach for anything or try to use your poles. Just SIT DOWN!“
    “What do you suppose Gavin is in the summer?“ Jane asked under her breath.
    “A Trappist monk, if he’s smart,“ Shelley hissed back. “After working with dummies like us for three quarters of the year, he probably needs the quiet.“
    “This from a woman who’s head of the Room Mother Committee three-quarters of the year.“
    “I’m thinking about applying what I’m learning here to that job. The ‘when in doubt, just sit down’ part might play, but I wouldn’t dare give them pointed poles.“
    Jane laughed so hard she nearly lost her balance again and had to practice the fast-sit technique.
    Gavin finally demonstrated stairstepping up the slope and then coming to a gentle stop on the way down by toeing-in ankling-in. Then he went back up, showing them how to walk in a sort of herringbone pattern with their toes pointing out.
    “Can you hear that sound?“ Shelley asked, watching him.
    “What sound?“
    “That screaming noise. It’s my thighs, just thinking about trying to do that!“
    “Never mind. We’ll just stairstep it.“
    Gavin then made a spectacular show of pretending to lose his balance and sitting down in place. It all looked graceful, fun, and easy when he did it. He got up and glided effortlessly to a spot about ten feet uphill from them. “Okay, Bunnies, come up where I am and we’ll take our first downhill run.“
    They obediently stairstepped their way up to him, and he picked Shelley to go first. He got next to her, whispered a bit of encouragement, showed her how to get her skis turned around and pointing the right way without her tripping, and she was off. She was moving so slowly it was almost imperceptible, but she picked up a little speed as she went along. She was going at a slow-walk pace by the time she got to the flat area below. Gavin,