Ghost Time

and then for some reason, you remember how much fun you can have with them, how much you love them? It’s just a flash, but there’s this moment when you see how badly you treat them sometimes, how much you take them for granted. Driving with Cam that day, that’s how I felt about Fort Marshall and all the other towns, and this whole part of the country. It’s so beautiful here, and I take so much for granted. All I could ever think about was getting the hell out of this place, and maybe that’s not the only direction, you know?
    When we got back, it was about six, just getting dark. So we stopped at Silver Top, and when we walked in, Sharon smiled. We’d been there a few times by then, but she could tell it was different. When I walked in, sat down at our booth, I swear there was a halo around me, I was so happy. I ordered a grilled cheese and Cam had a burger, and we just sat there, talking. I don’t remember what we were talking about: I just remember the moment I looked up, and two hours had passed. And I had to pee so badly, having had two huge Diet Cokes, because my mouth kept getting dry. So for like an hour, I just crossed my legs and squeezed, because I didn’t want to break the spell.
    But then, finally, I had to go; I was dying. Actually, Cam was the one who pushed himself off the table, squeezing out, saying,I’ll be right back, heading for the men’s room. So then I waited, and we switched off. When I returned to the booth, he said, We should get you home, and I smiled, even though I so didn’t want to go home. Then I took out my purse to get money, and Cam said, I already paid, and he stepped back, waiting for me to go first out the door. That’s when I finally realized, like, Wow, is this a date? This sounds so dumb, but I swear even the old bell, over the door, was happy for me.
    The whole way home, I couldn’t think of a thing to say, because I kept wondering if he was going to kiss me when we got to my house. And my stomach reminded me of an old neighbor of ours, back in Poughkeepsie, whose cat had a litter. I remember holding one, how this teeny tiny kitten kneaded its paws against my stomach, while I cradled it. I felt like I had that kitten with me, but on the inside, kneading me on the inside, in my intestines, all the way down to my butt. I’m sorry, but it’s true, everything kneading and gurgling and nervous.
    When we got back to my place, he parked up front, and said, I’ll walk you in. You don’t need to, I said. No, I want to, he said, so we got out, and he followed me toward the stairs. My mom’s home, I said, seeing the lights on in our living room, before we reached the door. You want to sit down for a minute? he asked, nodding at the rail. Sure, I said, because I couldn’t invite him inside, with my mom there. So we sat on the second floor, with our legs dangling through the metal railing, watching the cars on the highway. And as ugly as it is, as much as I hate to look at it in the daytime, the highway and the strip mall on the otherside, I was thinking there’s something so beautiful about red and orange taillights at night. I smiled, so happy to be exactly where I was, and then Cam leaned over and kissed my cheek, smiling back at me. I looked at him, not sure what he was doing, or what I was supposed to do back, after he kissed my cheek, and then he laughed, seeing the look on my face. No rush, he said.
    And then I kissed him. I leaned over, and I kissed him. Not, you know, intensely or anything, just… light. It wasn’t conscious or whatever, that’s just how it happened. I mean, I thought it’d last longer, you know. It was sweet, and his lips were so soft and warm and didn’t shake, like mine, tense and dry-mouthed. When I leaned back, my stomach gurgled, and it was so embarrassing, because he heard. But the best part of it was, actually, it was over. I kissed him; it was done, and I could quit worrying about it. Then my stomach growled again, even louder, and I crossed my arms over my stomach, Ohmygod, I said. When Cam stopped laughing at me, he ran his finger around my ear, pulling my hair back, then he reached his arm over his head, alley-oop, and pulled my head on his shoulder, holding it there. I took a deep breath, and the smell of his neck made me want to bite him, suck him, give him a hickey—just the most awful burning and fluttering in my stomach, my mouth, my head.
    And sure enough, who pulls into the parking lot? Rain Man. Couldn’t believe