Ghost Time

could do, and of course, if I didn’t agree to the book deal or anything being offered, like right now , I might never get another chance. So, basically, they’re telling me my days as a hot commodity werenumbered, and I’d have to live with other people making money off my story. I got a headache, sitting at the table, listening to her tell me what the lawyers said. I mean, not a real headache, the pressure, because I can’t… I can’t take it anymore. I can’t do this anymore. Seriously, I just wanted to disappear, find an island without any Internet or TV, and never be heard or seen again.
    Thea, there are some offers you need to consider, whatever you decide, and I said, No. I want you to go now, speaking to the lawyers. I won’t have this conversation without Cam—I’m not talking to anyone without Cam here. She said, Thea, please, baby, you’ve got to face—. Face what? I said, clenching my jaw, I’ve got to face what, Mom? She shook her head no, she didn’t mean that. But she did—I could see it in her eyes, she was this close—this close to telling me I had to face facts. I knew what she was thinking, and maybe I was in denial. All this time, maybe that’s how I’ve been able to function, because I was in denial about Cam, about the people outside our front door, about being on the nightly news, about becoming the teen porn queen of the Internet. If it hadn’t been for denial, I think I would have truly lost my mind. But there still comes a point when you can’t avoid it anymore, and you have to ask yourself, What if Cam is dead? And how long—what, three months, six months, a year? How long are you going to wait before accepting that whether he’s alive or dead, you have to go on without him? There’s no avoiding it, but so far, there was only one answer: Not today. I’m not going on without him today.
    I told my mom I needed to think and when I went back to my room, I closed the door, and I could see how bright it wasoutside, almost eleven o’clock. I had to close the curtains all the time, because people would take pictures through our windows. Crazy, you know? Still, looking out the window, you could just feel how nice and warm it was outside, what a beautiful day it would be to go for a picnic or do something in the park, call Mel and Knox, see if they could pick me up, maybe?
    But then I remembered. I couldn’t even step outside my front door these days. There were camera crews that actually spent the night in the parking lot, in front of our house, in case I walk outside. People were actually camping in our parking lot, and sometimes I wanted to go out there and ask them, Do you honestly care about this story? Seriously, do you care enough about my life or is this just money to you? Because I didn’t think they cared at all. Really, you know how they say people see what they want to see? I’m not really so sure about that. Because the thing is, I haven’t seen anything I want to see. And now there was a movie being made, based on a true story, no matter what I do or don’t do. All I want to know is, what’s the true part?

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 23, 2010
    (SIX MONTHS EARLIER)
    6:00 PM
    That first time, the first time Cam kissed me, it wasn’t really what I’d imagined. What I mean is, it didn’t happen the way I thought it would, with us sitting in his front seat or standing at my door, or even standing on the stairwell, in front of the building, where it’s dark. That’s where I always thought he’d kiss me, when I thought about it, but of course that’s not how it happened.
    What happened is, on Saturday, when Cam picked me up, I got in, and he asked if I wanted to go for a drive. I said, Sure, where did he want to go? He said, Let’s take the back roads and see where we end up, and I couldn’t have cared less where we went or what we did. The thing is, I’ve lived here for three years now, but driving with him, it was like I’d never seen any of those towns or roads or ever been anywhere before. I took my old Nikon, and we talked, but mostly, we drove and watched. I didn’t feel stupid that I had nothing to say, I didn’t feel like I had to askhim questions about himself or do anything. I could just be there, sitting beside him, and for once, I didn’t worry.
    So we drove all afternoon, and it was strange, you know? Like those times when, suddenly, you feel so close to your parents again after so many months of not getting along, fighting, bickering, whatever,