Good Omens

“It’s somewhere in Israel, I think.”
    MOUNT CARMEL.
    â€œI thought that was where they grow avocados.”
    AND THE END OF THE WORLD.
    â€œIs that right? That’s one big avocado.”
    â€œI think I went there once,” said Pollution. “The old city of Megiddo. Just before it fell down. Nice place. Interesting royal gateway.”
    War looked at the greenness around them.
    â€œBoy,” she said, “did we take a wrong turning.”
    THE GEOGRAPHY IS IMMATERIAL.
    â€œSorry, lord?”
    IF ARMAGEDDON IS ANYWHERE, IT IS EVERYWHERE.
    â€œThat’s right,” said Famine, “we’re not talking about a few square miles of scrub and goats any more.”
    There was another pause.
    LET US GO.
    War coughed. “It’s just that I thought that … he’ d be coming with us … ?”
    Death adjusted his gauntlets.
    THIS, he said firmly, IS A JOB FOR THE PROFESSIONALS.
    AFTERWARDS, Sgt. Thomas A. Deisenburger recalled events at the gate as having happened like this:
    A large staff car drew up by the gate. It was sleek and official-looking although, afterwards, he wasn’t entirely sure why he had thought this, or why it sounded momentarily as though it were powered by motorbike engines.
    Four generals got out. Again, the sergeant was a little uncertain of why he had thought this. They had proper identification. What kind of identification, admittedly, he couldn’t quite recall, but it was proper. He saluted.
    And one of them said, “Surprise inspection, soldier.”
    To which Sgt. Thomas A. Deisenburger replied, “Sir, I have not been informated as to the incidence of a surprise inspection at this time, sir.”
    â€œOf course not,” said one of the generals. “That’s because it’s a surprise.”
    The sergeant saluted again.
    â€œSir, permission to confirmate this intelligence with base command, sir,” he said, uneasily.
    The tallest and thinnest of the generals strolled a little way from the group, turned his back, and folded his arms.
    One of the others put a friendly arm around the sergeant’s shoulders and leaned forward in a conspiratorial way.
    â€œNow see here—” he squinted at the sergeant’s name tag “—Deisenburger, maybe I’ll give you a break. It’s a surprise inspection, got that? Surprise. That means no getting on the horn the moment we’ve gone through, understand? And no leaving your post. Career soldier like you’ll understand, am I right?” he added. He winked. “Otherwise you’ll find yourself busted so low you’ll have to say ‘sir’ to an imp.”
    Sgt. Thomas A. Deisenburger stared at him.
    â€œPrivate,” hissed one of the other generals. According to her tag, her name was Waugh. Sgt. Deisenburger had never seen a female general like her before, but she was certainly an improvement.
    â€œWhat?”
    â€œPrivate. Not imp.”
    â€œYeah. That’s what I meant. Yeah. Private. Okay, soldier?”
    The sergeant considered the very limited number of options at his disposal.
    â€œSir, surprise inspection, sir?” he said.
    â€œProvisionatedly classificisioned at this time,” said Famine, who had spent years learning how to sell to the federal government and could feel the language coming back to him.
    â€œSir, affirmative, sir,” said the sergeant.
    â€œGood man,” said Famine, as the barrier was raised. “You’ll go a long way.” He glanced at his watch. “Very shortly.”
    :SOMETIMES HUMAN BEINGS are very much like bees. Bees are fiercely protective of their hive, provided you are outside it. Once you’re in, the workers sort of assume that it must have been cleared by management and take no notice; various freeloading insects have evolved a mellifluous existence because of this very fact. Humans act the same way.
    No one stopped the four as they purposefully made their way into one of the long, low buildings under the forest of radio masts. No one paid any attention to them. Perhaps they saw nothing at all. Perhaps they saw what their minds were instructed to see, because the human brain is not equipped to see War, Famine, Pollution, and Death when they don’t want to be seen, and has got so good at not seeing that it often manages not to see them even when they abound on every side.
    The alarms were totally brainless and thought they saw four people