Good Omens

ineffability, I always say. There’s Right, and there’s Wrong. If you do Wrong when you’re told to do Right, you deserve to be punished. Er.”
    They sat in embarrassed silence, watching the raindrops bruise the first flowers.
    Eventually Crawly said, “Didn’t you have a flaming sword?”
    â€œEr,” said the angel. A guilty expression passed across his face, and then came back and camped there.
    â€œYou did, didn’t you?” said Crawly. “It flamed like anything.”
    â€œEr, well—”
    â€œIt looked very impressive, I thought.”
    â€œYes, but, well—”
    â€œLost it, have you?”
    â€œOh no! No, not exactly lost, more—”
    â€œWell?”
    Aziraphale looked wretched. “If you must know,” he said, a trifle testily, “I gave it away.”
    Crawly stared up at him.
    â€œWell, I had to,” said the angel, rubbing his hands distractedly. “They looked so cold, poor things, and she’s expecting already, and what with the vicious animals out there and the storm coming up I thought, well, where’s the harm, so I just said, look, if you come back there’s going to be an almighty row, but you might be needing this sword, so here it is, don’t bother to thank me, just do everyone a big favor and don’t let the sun go down on you here.”
    He gave Crawly a worried grin.
    â€œThat was the best course, wasn’t it?”
    â€œI’m not sure it’s actually possible for you to do evil,” said Crawly sarcastically. Aziraphale didn’t notice the tone.
    â€œOh, I do hope so,” he said. “I really do hope so. It’s been worrying me all afternoon.”
    They watched the rain for a while.
    â€œFunny thing is,” said Crawly, “I keep wondering whether the apple thing wasn’t the right thing to do, as well. A demon can get into real trouble, doing the right thing.” He nudged the angel. “Funny if we both got it wrong, eh? Funny if I did the good thing and you did the bad one, eh?”
    â€œNot really,” said Aziraphale.
    Crawly looked at the rain.
    â€œNo,” he said, sobering up. “I suppose not.”
    Slate-black curtains tumbled over Eden. Thunder growled among the hills. The animals, freshly named, cowered from the storm.
    Far away, in the dripping woods, something bright and fiery flickered among the trees.
    It was going to be a dark and stormy night.

Good Omens
    A Narrative of Certain Events occurring in the
last eleven years of human history, in strict accordance
as shall be shewn with:
    The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter
    Compiled and edited, with Footnotes of an
Educational Nature and Precepts for the Wise,
    by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett.
    DRAMATIS PERSONAE
    Supernatural Beings
    God (God)
    Metatron (The Voice of God)
    Aziraphale (An angel, and part-time rare book dealer)
    Satan (A Fallen Angel; the Adversary)
    Beelzebub (A Likewise Fallen Angel and Prince of Hell)
    Hastur (A Fallen Angel and Duke of Hell)
    Ligur (Likewise a Fallen Angel and Duke of Hell)
    Crowley (An Angel who did not so much Fall
as Saunter Vaguely Downwards)
    Apocalyptic Horsepersons
    DEATH (Death)
    War (War)
    Famine (Famine)
    Pollution (Pollution)
    Humans
    Thou-Shalt-Not-Commit-Adultery Pulsifer (A Witchfinder)
    Agnes Nutter (A Prophetess)
    Newton Pulsifer (Wages Clerk and Witchfinder Private)
    Anathema Device
(Practical Occultist and Professional Descendant)
    Shadwell (Witchfinder Sergeant)
    Madame Tracy
(Painted Jezebel [mornings only,
Thursdays by arrangement] and Medium)
    Sister Mary Loquacious
(A Satanic Nun of the Chattering Order of St. Beryl)
    Mr. Young (A Father)
    Mr. Tyler (A Chairman of a Residents’ Association)
    A Delivery Man
    Them
    ADAM (An Antichrist)
    Pepper (A Girl)
    Wensleydale (A Boy)
    Brian (A Boy)
    Full Chorus of Tibetans, Aliens, Americans, Atlanteans
and other rare and strange Creatures of the Last Days.
    And:
    Dog (Satanical hellhound and cat-worrier)

Eleven Years Ago

    C URRENT T HEORIES on the creation of the Universe state that, if it was created at all and didn’t just start, as it were, unofficially, it came into being between ten and twenty thousand million years ago. By the same token the earth itself is generally supposed to be about four and a half thousand million years old.
    These dates are incorrect.
    Medieval Jewish scholars put the date of the Creation at 3760 B.C. Greek Orthodox